The Slow-Dripped Life

Carrying on Tradition

2012-02-10T08:46:00.000-05:00

I learned from my mother that she and a friend snuck into Stone Mountain and climbed it on their graduation night. So I determined to carry on this tradition on the night of my high school graduation and do the same. It had been a little over twenty years difference between her experience and mine, and some things had changed, such as an eight-foot chain-link fence surrounding the park, but I was not to be deterred.

The end of my high school career was one of feeling displaced and disconnected. I had moved into my high school from Texas in my 10th grade year, so my friendship circle was small. It felt even smaller on graduation day as one of my friends in that circle had been my boyfriend and we were no longer together, estranged from the familiarity of nearly two years together. My best friend and I were also not as close at that time - boyfriends and choices seemed to cause a gap in our friendship. I was not one to party so I found myself somewhat alone as this chapter of my life was coming to a close.

I do not remember how I ended up rallying the girls that joined me on this adventure, but my new friend and future roommate, and two dear friends in their junior year went along with me. It was a strange feeling pulling away from my house after 11:00 at night - my Mom didn't really ask where I was going and didn't give me a time to be home. I knew then that this was a monumental occasion. It is amazing to think back that this was also during an era before cell phones, twitter and Facebook - instant updates on the whereabouts of everyone you know. However, I suspect my Mom had an idea where I was headed.

We drove to Stone Mountain in my Nissan Sentra, my new sunroof open to the starry sky overhead. We didn't want to pay to get in the front gates so we circled the park on a utility road surrounding the park. We ended up somewhere near the back of the park and I pulled up into the woods near the tall, chain-link fence edging the base of the mountain. It looked as if there was no way in but to scale the fence and so we did.

The four of us ducked and climbed through the brush and piney branches, adrenaline and giddiness fueling our journey. It was exhilarating to be doing something so different, so daring outside of my comfort zone. I also liked knowing that I would be closing this time of my life in a way very different from the average high school graduate. I liked different.

We crept and climbed and I am not sure how in the world we didn't get caught but we made it to the top in the wee hours of the morning. It was there that we waited (and rested) until the sun came up. Here are some pictures from that night:

On the left: my soon-to-be college roommate, Gina; middle: my kindred heart, Laura, and on the right: my sweet friend Joanna. You can see the battle wounds on Joanna's legs from our traversing through the woods.

Gina

On top of the mountain - 'Here Comes the Sun'

When the sun crested into view at the edge of the world, we huddled under the blanket Gina brought along and sang, 'Here Comes the Sun' by the Beatles.

By now, Gina is exhausted. She didn't do well with little sleep.

We made the trek back down and headed out the front entrance so that we could circle the long way out of the park to my car hidden in the woods. It is a miracle we found it. We got back to the car to find a scrap of paper crammed under the wiper blade declaring our trespassing ways. It was a warning scrawled on a crumpled piece of paper. It wasn't a ticket. I kept it as a souvenir. We drove out of there and headed down highway 78 before the rest of the world was awake on a Saturday morning. A quick stop at a donut shop before we headed home to sleep the rest of the day. I felt satisfied that I had a memorable graduation night, and I would actually remember it.

Sparks - Coldplay

2012-02-08T18:55:00.000-05:00

Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say,
You say, "Oh, sing one we know",
But I promise you this,
I'll always look out for you,
That's what I'll do.

I say "oh,"
I say "oh."

My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to,
That's what I do,
And I know I was wrong,
But I won't let you down,
(Oh yeah, yeah, yes I will)

I say "oh",
I cry "oh".

And I saw sparks,
Yeah I saw sparks,
And I saw sparks,
Yeah I saw sparks,
Sing it out.

La, la, la, la, oh
La, la, la, la, oh
La, la, la, la, oh

A Challenge and the End of the Road

2012-02-08T17:35:00.000-05:00

I am at a crossroads. One that will either spur me on, or bring this to a rather unceremonious end. After posting the previous post, I decided that I would probably be done here. The hammock would be abandoned. Then I came across this: The A to Z Challenge. It isn't until April but it gave me one small glimmer to keep on, at least until then. I really don't know what to do with this place any more. When you feel a door has closed, it is often better to just let it close quietly than to keep hanging on, to keep pushing your foot in the shrinking space, claiming something you no longer hold. I might possibly attempt this A to Z Challenge, and then it may just be time to leave the hammock adrift in stillness and quiet.

A Fine Frenzy: Whisper Live DVD

2012-02-06T10:51:00.001-05:00

A Fine Frenzy: Come On, Come Out Live DVD

2012-02-06T10:51:00.000-05:00

I smile that she is barefoot.

Hello Beautiful People

2012-02-06T10:16:00.001-05:00

I have yet to tell you about my experience with our trip to Epcot on New Year's Eve. It was interesting to say the least: packed and shuffling along 'around the world' with 100,000 of your closest friends, too crowded to really do any of the attractions except to scrunch into 'Oh Canada' or find a small space to claim in order to step out of the crowd for a while. I did enjoy the experience of passing through the different 'countries', imagining how it would be to actually get to go to those exotic places. A favorite memory was passing through 'Mexico'. The sidewalk became jammed and we were inching along because a mariachi band was playing and folks had slowed down to listen. They broke out into the tune 'Feliz Navidad' and suddenly we were all united, singing, swaying (somewhat), an instant party, smiling at each other and belting out 'Prospero Ano y Felizidad' together.

Another favorite memory was stopping in at the America Gardens amphitheater. There was an Epcot employee on stage, directing moves like an aerobics instructor, inciting the crowd to get up and move to the pulsating pop music blasting from the simulated rock speakers embedded among the perfectly groomed flowerbeds. The irony was not lost on me - someone encouraging the crowd (nation) to get up and move in the very nation ranking among the highest in obesity in the world. We stopped to rest a while, enjoying the lively music and atmosphere. I took to one of my favorite past times, people-watching. I smiled and my perspective began to shift from just seeing the crowd swaying to the music, to a 'big picture' view, seeing before me, the world and people as God sees them. My eyes swam with tears, overwhelmed by their beauty in uniqueness. Every race and nationality seemed to be represented there, an array of skin tones and hair colors. I fell in love with the elderly grandmother in the wheelchair, her dark hair and proud cheekbones smiling as she lifted bony hands in the air to follow along with the leader's moves. I found it amusing that mostly the women were participating with enthusiasm - standing, rocking and shaking it next to stoic, still male family members. Then there was the woman behind me, a mother of a preschooler, in her own world, on her own stage, choreographing a full-on dance number for no audience in particular. The uninhibitedness of it was both freeing and unnerving at the same time. To see so many people, so many differences yet everyone indifferent to them, united for a moment's time, smiles swelling in the comradeship of it all reminded me both that this was as the world was intended, and this is what heaven will one day be. People, ALL people together.

Which brings me to you. Yes, you. The beautiful, anonymous people hidden behind the veil of screens and thousands of miles. I would truly love to hear from you. Just a 'hello' or a brief description of what your window of the world looks like from your corner of the planet. It doesn't matter how or why you came here. You may know the hammock well, often crawling up in its virtual ropes with me to ponder and sway. Or maybe you were Googling 'purpose' (*smile) and landed here. I don't know. I do know that I have been at this blog for edging on three years now, sometimes (often) wondering in its purpose (see, there I go as always...where's the purpose in this?!?) and can count roughly a baker's dozen or so comments left by visitors to the hammock. For those that know me well, I thrive on interaction. So here's a challenge:

See that little blue word below? Or maybe you see a grey box for Comments?

Drop me a line! Say 'hello'!! Or Hallo! Salut! Aluu! Ciao! Konnichiwa! Sveiki! Goden Dag! I dare you. I double-dog dare you.

A Fine Frenzy Kind of Day

2012-02-05T15:25:00.001-05:00

I'm All Over It

2012-02-01T13:31:00.000-05:00

Happy February! I am usually SO glad to see February arrive. It is still winter, I am well aware, but promise tinges the chill in the air. From today, we are forty days away from Daylight Savings Time (HALLELUYER!) and forty-nine days away from the first official day of spring. I am always more than happy to turn my back on the long, dreary cold of January to await the world's awakening again.

Today's series of pics commemorate some special things about February. I often do a series of pics because I find it so hard to 'follow the rules' of one pic-a-day. I can some times be a dissident where that's concerned - following a set pattern or rules 'just because'. So I challenge it, in a positive way, and voila!

I opened the fresh page of the calendar today (yes, I still have a paper calendar, archaic and antiquated as that is) to learn that February is: American Heart Month, African-American History Month, National Children's Dental Health Month, and National Snack Food Month. It is also:

NATIONAL WILD BIRD FEEDING MONTH!!!

This is my 22 and a half pound TUB of birdseed that I tote out to the back deck and spread seed while I talk to the birds. They have come to expect me and will perch patiently in the branches overlooking my efforts with baited anticipation. Today I saw an amazing Redwinged Blackbird among the flock. It was stunning.

Birdseye view

It is also Library Lovers Month...

I had a little fun with this one. This could either describe those who have an ardent affection for places of plethora of bibliographical wonders, OR it could be for those who are particularly fond of having a little 'lovin' among the Dewey Decimal System. Hmm...interesting.

Paperback Courage

2012-01-31T12:34:00.000-05:00

Pic-O-the-Day

This is what I am currently reading. I wouldn't exactly call it 'pleasure reading' because it is hard. I had received a gift card for a book store over Christmas, and as I gathered books in my arms like baby chicks, I held this one for a longer pause, deciding whether to take it into the fold like the rest. I had heard about it but hesitated. It brought back too many old shadows.

There was a time that I held onto a firm fear that I would end up with Alzheimer's one day. It gripped me and would freeze my limbs if I found myself 'forgetful' or stretching to draw up names or places. I bought books on brain health. I read the latest research. I learned of supplements that were particularly good for the cerebral region. I did all of that clamoring to stave off the fear.

You may not be one to believe in things like this, but I have seen it enough in my life to believe it. I went to a conference in May of '09, right before my solo road trip (epiphany from the Creator). It was a Christian conference and it was during a time of prayer. I know...you've seen things of this nature on those slick televangelist programs, "Someone is suffering sharp pains! You are-ah heeeeealed!!!" Yes, the absurdity of the dramatization of this is precisely the intent. The enemy loves to make a mockery of the mysteries of the Most High, causing people to be blinded to realities of His miracles. So I leave you wherever you are in your thoughts on that, but be open. Always be open.

It was during a time of prayer that the man speaking stopped and clearly stated, "There is someone here with a fear of Alzheimer's. It is gone." My eyes flew open. I wondered, "Is he talking about me?" I wavered, momentarily, but finally believed: that message was for me. Since that time, I am not consumed with thoughts of what I can remember and what I can't. I don't dwell on the occasional lapse of memory. I don't berate myself if I happen to walk into a room and forget why I entered it. There is no fear.

So as the story goes: He asked me CONTINUALLY to TRUST while out on the open roads alone. I believe this is a part of it. Fear does nothing but steal from today what might not even be a factor tomorrow. Does it mean I might not end up with it? Not necessarily. I just don't have to fret. I have today, and all my thinking faculties for today, and that is enough.

Reading this book does take courage but I am honestly not bothered by it. I probably couldn't have read it three years ago. I can read it now with the lens of trust that all my days are secure.

Capture All Senses Pic-O-the-Day

2012-01-30T21:09:00.000-05:00

If it were possible, I would have wanted to take a snapshot of an entire moment in time today. Sadly, I could only take a pic of one very small aspect of the slice of time that was, in all sense of the word - perfect. I can try to paint a word picture for you, but it wouldn't do justice. Yet, I will try.

It was Top Down Tuesday. Probably a little cooler than it was supposed to be, but warm enough. I was rolling down the highway on my way home from campus around 5:30. The sun was directly in front of me, but casting a warm butter glow. The rearview mirror framed the foothill mountains slanted in falling shadows. On cooler days, I keep the windows up to defray some of the chill but my scarf took on a life of its own, dancing around. The scent of wood fires filtered on the breeze, and the heat I had blowing full-blast met with the chill and sent shivered goosebumps down my arms. To complete the sensory moment, this song came on my satellite rotation. One of those 'great' driving songs, especially with the top down, headed into the sun.

Pic-O-the-Day

2012-01-30T12:40:00.000-05:00

Bundled but Smiling

I was having a good hair day. Celebrate! It was a cold evening and I was bundled to take the Magster out. So - hello!

This weekend has been bittersweet. My dear friend, Tammy, is visiting. She flew back from Papua New Guinea because of her Mom's illness and her mom passed away last weekend (the 21st). She is visiting with me for a little while, and quite frankly, gathering some much needed rest and respite. I will touch base here as I can. My focus and attention has been, and will be towards her while she's here.

Inner Old Lady Series of Pics

2012-01-30T12:36:00.000-05:00

As a stress reliever, I have taken to bird watching. I have reached within, finding my inner old lady, and I thoroughly love inviting birds to my back deck. For several days, I have taken pictures of the different varieties of birds that come to the all-you-can-eat buffet. I will spare you the shot that was taken of me out there one morning, knit cap, bathrobe, toting the industrial-sized tub of birdseed, talking to all the birds watching me from the trees. Trust me, I have already been thinking of ways to possibly put some birdseed on my head and hold some in my hands and stand out there like a tree, hoping they will come perch.

Come on Everybody! Sing with Me!

2012-01-27T11:38:00.000-05:00

Yes! The sun is back out today. I will be singing this as I zip down the road. Did I ever tell you about my graduation night? I don't want to be like an old lady and tell you the same story twice...If I haven't, I will share this story later. You will find it here below this video.

'Little darlin'
The smiles returning to their faces....'

Absolutely.

Etta James - At Last

2012-01-27T00:52:00.000-05:00

Bucket List - Slow dance to this one day. Mmmmmmmm.

Girls' Weekend Extraordinaire

2012-01-27T00:50:00.000-05:00

This past weekend Courtney and I headed out on a girls' weekend. We were making use of her Christmas present - tickets to see Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean in Greenville. So this is series of pics over a few days of an absolutely perfect weekend.

Funny we're looking in different directions.

During the concert...more armpod photos.

We had good seats, right in the inner circle above the floor seats, which aren't my favorite. We were looking right at the stage. Then we noticed them setting up this other little circle stage RIGHT in front of us. The lights went out, and a spotlight followed Jason Aldean to this stage. So cool!

Then he called Luke back out to sing with him! They sang some of the country classics. Good times. Bonus that they are both Georgia boys.

"Get me in a picture with them!"

Then Jason brings out Lauren Alaina to sing this, one of my favorite duets...

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Kelly Clarkson usually sings it with him, but Lauren Alaina of American Idol opened for both of them.

The picture is pretty cool.

Great concert (minus the VERY drunk individuals behind us and the river of beer they spilled that saturated our purses under our chairs).

The next day, we just went where the whim took us. First of all, we woke up at 9. Complimentary breakfast ended at 10, so we scrambled down, hair askew, with our eyes on the prize - mine on the vat of coffee that offered free refills, and Courtney's on the chocolate muffins (isn't that essentially cake for breakfast?). We headed back to the room and lazed around, dozing and reading the paper in bed. No agenda. No rush. Finally we got the gumption to scrape ourselves up to find something to get into. We decided first, to blitz across the road to the mall and roam since it was raining (big surprise!). We strolled with no particular place to go, scavenged for unmentionables, and got free massages at the toy store for grown-ups. Thank you, Brookstone. We meandered some more, and since we had a late breakfast, and it was nearing two-o'-clock, we thought we ought to grab something. We spotted a 'build-your-own-mass-of-sin-and-degredation' yogurt shop and I turned to her and said, "Dessert for lunch?" Yes, absolutely.

From there, we decided to head over to Pier One Imports and then on to downtown. Is is a wonderful place, and I look forward to going back when it's sunny. There was so much to look at and do as we wandered up and down the sidewalks. Here are a few of our shots:

Court on the bridge over Reedy Falls

Reedy Falls - you can see the kind of rain we've had with the mud-laced falls.

A Coke and a Gorgeous Smile

We saw this amazing old house and thought up interesting stories about it.

Greenville has this intriguing scavenger hunt downtown where there are hidden mice all over the place for you to find. It is based on the book 'Goodnight Moon' and the idea was inspired by a high school student. Very very cool. You can read more about it here:

http://www.greenvillecvb.com/mediaRoom/suggested_itinerary_detail.aspx?NewsID=37

From there, we found lots of interesting stuff to see:

We started to feel the chill in our bones so we stopped into a coffee shop, Spill the Beans, where it states 'world's smoothest coffee' and I told Courtney to dare me to throw open the door like Elf in the movie and shout, "Congratulations!!!" I didn't, upon her stern request NOT to do so. I got a tall regular and she got a latte. The barista did this on top of her mocha:

Mmmm. Latte Love.

Courtney also took to striking the poses found in the statues everywhere:

We plunked through store after store of really great stuff. I found three treasures, and we both got matching key charms with words on them - mine says "HOPE" and hers says "LAUGHTER".

Handmade Sandalwood soap made in Thailand bought at a fair trade store, hand carved chopsticks for my hair, and a funky, loopy ring with words on it. Words on my fingers and words on my toes. (I'll make it happen.)

We ended the day at a perfectly lovely restaurant to cap of a girls' weekend - Brick Street Cafe. It is part antique store (in atmosphere), part your Mama's kitchen, all girly with lanterns hanging from the ceiling. I had salmon and a glorious glass of Pinot Grigio and Courtney had Mom's spaghetti - best you'll ever put in your mouth. We shared a chocolately brownie hot fudge creation and it was perfect. What made it the best was the conversation. Getting to talk to your daughter about love and things that really matter is priceless. I love hearing her tell me what's in her heart. It is a big and beautiful place in there.

See what I mean?

These are dark but we were eating by...

Scrap the newest apple product. Ditch the idea of the latest game. Rid yourself of the notion of the next big thing. Gather up your children (one at a time) and take them somewhere new to the both of you. Learn something new together. The best part is learning more about your child. You won't be disappointed.

What I've Been Missing

2012-01-26T23:35:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been wresting. Not the WW Raw or jello variety. No. This is more like mental contortionist, 'mind-grapples-with-heart-and-will' kind of wrestling. If only it were so physically engaging.

The dark shadows have threatened again to seep out of the banished places and into all the rooms of my days. I have been more mindful of it this time. I have seen it coming, cornering it like a wild-eyed beast looming toward me, trapped in a small space.

This is my nature. I think so much some times that it becomes physically exhausting. It leaves me lying breathless, drained of any inner color. I'm left motionless, numb, without senses or light behind my eyes. I do not know why, but I forever puzzle what is and why, and wonder what will be and why, searching for my place in it all. When the path goes no further than the tips of my toes, and I seem to be standing completely still, this is when the wrestling begins. I struggle in stillness when I can't see my purpose in it.

It's like I have been given a map to the most grand scavenger hunt -
and I am only interested
in the treasure at the end,
and I get frustrated
because
I only want to know
what it is.

So it is the way it's been.
I am an impatient, child
impetuously stamping my foot,
wanting more -
and yet I am running SMACK, full-face
into the trunk
of a tree,
forest be damned.

Part of the problem that has allowed the slow leak of dense fog to roll in, compounding the overworked cerebral matter, is a new, wide-open routine that is a bit unstructured and elusive. The other unending constant is my relentless quest for purpose. Am I the only one that does this? There is something planted deep within me that is not satisfied to bump along in life, but to burn with need for purpose - one that is for the greater good.

Maybe I just need to let loose, let my hair down, put a record on and just dance.

Barefoot.

In the strand of
white light's glow.
There is no searching ~
only arms and body, wrapped
around slow and graceful space and time.

Nonetheless, I have been hit squarely between the eyes with a rather large 'AHA' -
in my constant searching, constant grappling, stretching for the slippery 'grand ambition', I have been stirring the waters of discontent. I have been blatantly ungrateful. I confess I have not recognized what a gift I have been given. Instead, I've been 'that' child, holding the last opened, extravagant present on her birthday murmuring, "Is this it? Aren't there more?"

This shreds me completely to realize.

It was on my girls' weekend with my daughter that the Giver of all good things whispered to my heart, "This IS your purpose right now - MY PURPOSES. This new job, working part-time, this more flexible schedule, that breathing room you now have in each of your days IS A GIFT. Don't waste it running to the window looking for what's next or waiting for the train that will take you to tomorrow. I am already there and you are not ready yet. My gift to you is one that fulfills MY purposes. What has been emptied must be filled again. What has been shattered must be pieced together by hand. My hand. What has grown weak and worn and weary must be made strong. Your gifts are abundant, with the labels: RESTORE. HEAL. MEND. HOPE. Don't you remember I am giving you a HOPE and a future? But I have to prepare you for it. I had to empty, to loosen, to break and strip away so that what I restore is woven stronger, healthier, mightier and complete for what is ahead. This time is a gift and there is purpose in ALL of it."
"TRUST ME"

I get it now.
I am humbled.
I am grateful
beyond words.

So I don't have to strive. I don't have to feel guilty or be made to feel guilty that I have margin in my days. I won't succumb to the clamoring for my time when it's not mine to give. I have learned the art of 'no' so the 'yes' can rise up. I will keep seeking Him. He is my purpose. Out that will flow all I ever need to know and all I will ever do in this life.

Pic-O'-the-Day Catch-Up

2012-01-26T23:01:00.000-05:00

I'm going to just cram all my previous pics into this one post, catch up and call it 'done' and keep on keepin' on...so here goes:

I jogged up a steep bank to get the highest vantage point possible.

This duo of pictures is from one day last week when we had a very short glimpse of blue sky and I made a beeline over to my much-loved place to go run/dance/sing aloud in the empty neighborhood nearby. Many miles have been pounded out in this empty subdivision. Many miles, tears, prayers, dancing, singing, and a few spins on a bike...I will probably mourn the day houses start cropping up over here although I know it will signal an upturn in the economy. For now, this a a beloved slice of my world.

This was from the 18th, the day we got word from Zach that their destination had been decided after much prayer - Thailand!

Greg clicked on 'bing' search engine that day where they rotate the main screen picture to showcase places around the world. On that day, the picture was of places in...Thailand. God always confirms. Always.

Also from last week, this was an amazing sunset. I screeched to stop the car so I could jump out on the side of the road to capture it before it faded away...

A couple more random snippets from my life...

This one is entitled 'In Yo Face' because that is the essence of Maggie. I am always saying she likes to get all up in my grill. She likes to be up close and personal. She doesn't understand personal space or my own 'personal bubble'. This was taken literally with the phone up to my nose. If she is in a chair with me or up on my blanket with me, she is this close. Sweet love.

Okay, yes. It's a window. I took this because at that moment, after it'd been so rainy and cold and gray out, I thought that I could physically feel the darkness pressing in from the outside.

Pics of the Day and other Stuff

2012-01-26T22:34:00.000-05:00

Cue Annie Lennox...

Here we go again. As I type this, we are under a flood watch and I can hear the steady drum of rain on my roof. There is a flood watch for all of our area. I have seen the creek behind my house rise the 9 feet it takes to get to the banks and come up into the yard. I hope not to see it again.

But alas, this spell should be short-lived. My little app icons show little suns from tomorrow on into Tuesday and THAT day is saying 61 degrees. Oooooooh yeeeeeessss. Top-down Tuesday. I like the sound of this.

I have another picture from today to share. Today's Day 4 of P90X and Yoga day. In case you think that this is the 'wuss' day, let me just share that there is an INCREDIBLY fit gentleman on these videos that was sweating like a large woman in labor. It's not all 'tree' poses and breathing. I dare you to try it. So I was at the end, finally at the part where we get to lay on the floor and do some stretching and breathing. Maggie (my dog) was harassing me, wanting to play. She also kept trying to find my hand and nudge so I would pet her. I was in the dead corpse pose (trust me, you feel like one at this point...). It looks like this:

I feel her fuzzy beard and look over and she is doing yoga with me:

She is sprawled, paws up, laying like a slug. Dogs are so funny.

Pics o' the Week

2012-01-26T09:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay...I am behind in putting these things on here. Like I said, the pictures are all piled on my desktop. I'll catch up. I see a clearing of time ahead and I plan to be here.

So we, here in Georgia, had been socked in under clouds/drizzle/rain/cold/fog for - days, weeks, AN ETERNITY, it seemed. I am grateful for the rain. I know we always need it. But this girl does not function well after consecutive gloomy days. The soul takes on the colorless hue of the sky. I would not EVER make it in those states, like Washington, where it stays cloudy a zillion days a year. Bless your hearts, if you are reading this and you live in a place such as that. Bless.your.hearts.

I was daily checking my phone app for the weather, patiently waiting for the day when I would see the little sun icon. Tuesday. It was happening Tuesday. I took this Tuesday morning on my commute.

I had tears in my eyes...not from joy or sorrow. My eyes were watering at the first glimpse of the sun in WEEKS. I felt like a mole rat that had crept up out of my dark and damp tunnel. Gorgeous. Simply gorgeous.

I am kidding you not here. As I rounded the corner headed right, THIS song came on my satellite rotation - this song makes me happy!!!!!

"I am feeling very Olympic today - how about you?" ~ Cool Runnings
LOVE IT!

We had a half a day of sun yesterday. It is January. I am well aware (and more than glad it is almost OVER). I had my top down both days. Sun was out, 62 degrees.

ANY chance I can be out in the open, out under the sky, I'm taking it.

Product Endorsement Pic-o-the-Day Second Installment

2012-01-24T00:35:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you a little bit about the powerhouse of health that is coconut oil. I have begun to use this regularly in the last six months or so, and it is amazing in its benefits. I won't detail everything here. You can read a wealth of information on this link:
http://www.organicfacts.net/organic-oils/organic-coconut-oil/health-benefits-of-coconut-oil.html

These aren't the only things that are improved with regular use of this oil. I read last week that it can also help increase low birth weight in babies that are nursing if the mother ingests coconut oil regularly. If you are interested in adding this to your health regime, do the research. You will be astounded.

My personal use of this oil has mainly been for cooking and baking (makes eggs and stir-fry taste amazing - just use in place of olive oil), and body care. I started using it a month ago in place of my moisturizer at night and it has shown vast improvements in that amount of time in skin tone and clarity. In this process, I discovered (and later read) that it serves as an excellent make-up remover so now I use it for that too, in place of the harsh, alcohol-laden, liquid variety. It works well as an all-over moisturizer, although I don't do that as often. It is in solid form, as you can see in the jar, but it just takes a few seconds of either holding some in your hand to warm/melt it, or if you are in a hurry, run the hairdryer over it to melt it quicker. It does seem a bit greasy at first, but the more you massage it and work it into your skin, it takes on a smooth feel but not slimy.

I have also done (a few times) what some do, and actually eat a spoonful of it. This takes some 'stomach' to do because, although it doesn't taste bad (it really doesn't have a flavor at all), the consistency/texture is hard to 'swallow', literally. There are ways to incorporate it into your diet, along with using it for your cooking 'oil' in recipes (MUCH better for you than vegetable or canola). I just haven't tried these ideas yet:
*use in place of a spread such as butter or margarine
*blend in your smoothies
*melt it into hot/warm water or mix it into hot beverages
*Stir into hot breakfast cereals

Don't let the fat content dissuade you. I have come to learn that fats are prime in a healthy diet, but they must be the 'good' fats, and coconut oil is top of the list. I probably include more of this type of fat into my diet than the average American, and I am well within my healthy weight range for my height. It also does counter to what you might think it would do to cholesterol and heart: it lowers it and makes the heart healthier.

One other use that I haven't tried (yet) is to use it as a massage oil. I can see that it would be a lovely oil for this as it glides smoothly and requires the warming already, which makes it nice. I would imagine that you could create your own relaxing, scented oils using natural essential oils blended with the melted coconut oil. Scents that I think I would like to explore are: amber, black currant, cinnamon, clove, cedarwood, lavender, and sandalwood.

I can not say enough. I am 'sold' and will continue to explore all the possibilities it has to offer. Try it.

Here's How It Is

2012-01-23T23:31:00.000-05:00

Photo of the day # Oh who gives a rip - who's counting?

Today's photo represents the candle burning on into the night. It will most likely be a late night for me this evening and that is okay. I have Pandora, hydration, a candle and HOPE. Yes - I have hope.

I know...I am 'behind' on my daily picture posting. Doesn't mean I haven't taken one (or more) a day. They're currently all in a nice 'pile' on my desktop. It's an eyesore, but I know what to do with it.

I have been somewhat 'absent' here in the last week or so. I know that too. I have been (and continue) to adjust to a new, very 'fluid' and 'squishy' schedule that is so far from what I am used to that it has sent me into a bit of a tailspin. I have been fighting (and winning) some things, and falling down and getting back up again. It is going to come together. So hang on and bear with me.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY! I just have to get into some sort of routine and 'rise' above but I am doing that, one blasted moment at a time.

I think I mentioned at one point that I was kicking the tires of doing P90X...well I bought the car, so to speak, and started Day 1 today. THIS was a battle of wills between my spirit that chooses to fight, and a body that has taken a beating in the last year. I did it though. Day 1 consists of Arms, Back and Abs. I don't mind the Back work (favorite part of my bod actually), and the Ab work was fine, although very challenging. The Arms component had me wanting to punch Tony after the third round of push-ups if only I could lift my arm up to the tv to do it. Arms are not my 'strength' if you will. Mine are noodles, quite honestly, and that's before exerting them. I amaze myself that I can even brush my own teeth sometimes. I just don't have arm strength. I am sure I will be flopping around trying to wash my hair by day 3.

On top of that, I did my very first Zumba class today. I've always wanted to try it and I had promised Courtney we would go when our schedules and all the stars aligned and we could get there together. How can I describe this experience adequately?

(thoughtful pause)

In some instances I could have been on a table in heels and made a lot of money.

There. I think that sums it up. Actually it was a lot of fun because it was a lot like dancing and there was a heavy Latin influence that satisfies (for now) my desire to learn how to do that. I have to say, I was a bit torn taking the class with my daughter. Part of me wanted to cover her eyes and for heaven's sake, hold her 'shimmy' still, (where does that come from? a long deeply entrenched echo of the Victorian era?) and then the other part of me wanted to celebrate (but save it!!!) that facet of her and want to instill a healthy celebration of that aspect of femininity. Later. Just a WEE bit later. I wanted to look at her and say, 'You go girl! Where'd you get those moves?' (grin) At any rate, we both made Shakira very proud.

Shut Your Eyes and Sing To Me

2012-01-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

It is a Snow Patrol kind of day.

Just Overwhelm Me

2012-01-20T11:13:00.000-05:00

What if the storm ends and I don't see you
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance

Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/s/snow_patrol/what_if_this_storm_ends.html ]
What if the storm ends? At least that's nothing
Except the memory, a distant echo I won't pin down
I've walked unsettled rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils

I wanna see you as you are now
Every single day that I am living
Painted in flames, a peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me that strikes relentless

What if the storm ends and I don't see you
As you are now ever again?
The perfect halo of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against the planet's last dance

Just for a minute the silver-forked sky
Lifts you up like a star that I will follow
But now it's found us like I have a found you
I don't wanna run, just overwhelm me

Missing Someone

2012-01-15T01:00:00.001-05:00

I have watched several episodes of The Office lately, and miss Zach greatly. This reminds me of when I watched it with him one night and he kept rewinding this part, over and over, his laugh bursting out like a spring every time.

Just Breathe - Anna Nalick [Lyrics]

2012-01-15T00:55:00.000-05:00

12:01 a.m.

2012-01-15T00:01:00.000-05:00

The moment I came into the world.

Product Endorsement Pic-o-the-Day

2012-01-12T13:43:00.000-05:00

My son calls this my 'grass clippings cocktail' and I often receive scrunched faces of disgust when I pour up a tall glass of this: Barlean's Greens. This was a regular for me over the summer, and as I tend to do, let it go by the wayside. Until today.

After yesterday (I MIGHT write about it. Or I might beg for a short case of amnesia and MOVE ON.) I needed to DO SOMETHING good. Something GOOD for myself. Something in the right direction. Something.

So I reached in the frig and grabbed my canister of 'summer day in a glass'. I start NOW. I will BEGIN AGAIN today. Defeat can only be defeat IF WE LET IT KEEP US DOWN, and by God, I WILL NOT LET IT.

As for the Barlean's, I began researching 'super foods' this past summer and learned that this type of drink is fabulous for you. It is LOADED with good stuff to re-balance, detoxify and cleanse. It really does taste pretty good. I like it anyway.

So in this glass that tastes like sunny days running in fresh cut grass, I drink HOPE. Hope and sheer grit and determination. Cheers.

Drowning in this Puddle

2012-01-11T17:42:00.000-05:00

today's pic...

This speaks volumes...

Yesterdays Pic(s) of the Day

2012-01-11T17:40:00.000-05:00

Cleaned out/rearranged the eldest's room for a temporary oasis of sorts. It is quiet serene.

Thank You God

2012-01-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

for darkness that shields my neighbors from unsightly ensembles I wear to take the dog out. Whose shoes are these anyway?!?

Picture-of-the-day

Wisdom Counts to Ten

2012-01-09T23:36:00.000-05:00

Week-in-Review

I am to give my summary of week 1 of God in the Yard and I chose to detail my favorite part of the experience so far. Aside from enjoying being in my 'real life' hammock on days much different than the much-loved, lazy days of summer, I have loved being surprised by Wisdom. In chapter 1, Proverbs 8 is looked at from a slightly different perspective: specifically, from the view of a young child.

Like so many others, I often saw Wisdom as stoic, white-haired, stiff, and buttoned-to-the-top. In Proverbs 8, I learn that when these words say, "When He established the heavens I (wisdom - my insert) was there, when He drew a circle on the face of the deep, then I (wisdom) was beside Him, like a master worker..."(vs 30) This description is a surprise. It can be translated as 'little child', 'artisan' or 'a darling child'. In this instance, as God drew the perimeters of the ocean with His finger, and carved out the cliffs with His hands layered in clay, Wisdom looks on - an exuberant, playful, darling child. Can you picture her now? Bouncing curls and chubby hands clapping together, squealing with delight at God's works of art. Can you see a child, full of all wisdom of the world and all the wonder of a child, on tiptoe peering over the arm of God, asking, "Is it done? Can I see? Can I see?" Imagine Wisdom's face, eyes upward, jaw dropped in awe, mouthing 'wow', as God steps back from His finest, most treasured creation: mankind. This is her favorite, and she can not wait to play with this creation, counting to ten to play hide-and-seek, eagerly waiting to be found by them. Start counting '1-2-3...' She is found in the most clever and surprising places...

and she loves to be found.

So I find myself dancing around the feet of God, in my waiting, arms lifted up for Him to hoist me to His shoulders. I want to see more. I want to see everything, and get giddily excited about it all.

Peter Gabriel - Come Talk To Me

2012-01-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

Just discovered this. powerful.

What's on...your mind?

2012-01-08T20:17:00.000-05:00

Hair.
Literally - that's what's on my mind. This has recently been a topic for around the table because Courtney is toying with the idea of going reeeeeally short much to the disliking of her father. She would like something a bit like this:

She could pull off a trim with a weedwacker and a burlap sack, she's so stinkin' cute, but I digress.

So she wants to try something different. Most women go through this personal dilemma, much to the chagrin of their significant others. They spend extra time in front of the mirror experimenting with pseudo bangs and shorter 'do's'. They clip pictures from magazines and mull over them with their friends. They post clips like this from the internet to facebook and ask, 'What do you think, girls?'

We make much about our hair, and I suppose it is innate in us to do so. I have encouraged her to try it. Hair grows. No big deal. I just told her to consider things like senior pictures (possibly in the spring). Those pictures will ~~follow~~ haunt your into adulthood. You WILL look back and say, "WHAT was I thinking?"

You do look back, and also, for some of us, look ahead. No, I am not rushing toward old lady status but I have been taking note of hairstyles of those that are ahead of me. I have brought this up to Courtney, who has also had 'hair' on the brain lately and she counters, "But Mooooom, Tanner says you look, like, thirty, so why are you worried about old lady hairstyles?" Me: "That is so very kind of Tanner, but tell him I would have had to have you at age 14 (and your brother at age 12!!!) if that were the case. Besides, I have to think ahead."

So I have been doing some independent research. Mostly what I see are short, men-like cuts and hair helmets...and it has me very concerned.

short guy-do

Shoot me if I wear a flowered-y shirt like this...

The Poof-do

Hair helmet

...and I picked this picture because IT CRACKS ME UP!!!

Anyway, I think I have decided that as long as I can pull it off and not look like a haggard witch escaped from some Grimms fairytale, I will keep it longer. I have NEVER wanted short hair, and I think my aversion of it for me personally stems from my childhood. My mom thought the 'pixie' haircut was cute, so she had it done on me. I can STILL, to this day, feel the cold, hard stone of the building where I had kindergarten because I planted myself firmly against it and stood outside the door after my Mom had my haircut like this. I had my fur-lined hood up and I was NOT going in. You couldn't make me.

I saw a lady at Universal Studios that looked to be in her fifties or early sixties that had longer, below-the-shoulder hair, sides twisted and secured in the back like:

It was quite lovely and tasteful and not scraggly like gray hair tends to do. I wear it like this now sometimes so I think it would be closer to my 'style' if I continued to do this as it begins to go completely snowy and silvery, like moonlight. I can NOT picture myself going from this to 'POOF' - brillo pad on top, all curly and bristly and short. Eh-eh.

I met a woman yesterday that had beautiful hair. She colored it still, but it didn't look garish or unnatural. She was obviously older (she later confided she was 64) but she had a cute cut - bangs and all one length to her shoulders. It gave me hope.

If all else fails, or if I just don't give a rip what people think of my hair in fifteen or so years, I WILL continue to wear braided pigtails. There are opinions about the wearing of pigtails beyond a certain age: some yay, some nay. But by that age, WHO CARES? I wear them now, especially since I am letting my hair grow out some. They are easy and so far, I haven't gotten the eyeroll, and "um, Mom...the hair...it's not happenin'" yet. So all's good. I personally think moonlight twined in plaits would be beautiful.

Singing in the Rain

2012-01-08T18:46:00.000-05:00

Day 5 and it rained. I headed out there prepared - lovely noisy rain suit, pigtails and umbrella. Singing in the rain was the only thing on the agenda. We miss so much sequestering ourselves away in our insulated, double-pane window, siding shells.

Nutty is the New Normal

2012-01-08T18:41:00.000-05:00

Whatever that is.

As I headed out the door, "So this is your hour-out-in-the-yard-thing? More power to ya!"

My family thinks I've lost it. Courtney spotted my rain gear and just shook her head when I told her what it was for. My only fear is that they are secretly plotting to check me in somewhere - one way.

It isn't uncommon these days for me to go up stream, to do what is different from what the rest of the population is doing. But I have to admit, by day 4, I found myself wondering what in the world I'd committed myself to. That, and so far, it's been a lot of waiting. For what, I haven't the foggiest. For clarity? For a revelation? For insight? For God to speak? For the roosters somewhere in the distance to STOP all their incessant crowing? Yes, I wait, desperately for all of these.

IN the newness of this time, I don't yet know what to make of it, or even how to really follow the structure of the book, but I am suspecting that if I could interview its author, she would tell me to go where the time and space leads. I did the tough reflection question yesterday, and it seemed connected to the fifth one about the dark places in your soul that you'd rather hide but that if you could express them as a particular hunger, what would you say you are most hungry for...and it is this: soul connection, an intimacy deep borne from within, being known from the inside out. That's what I long for.

And so -
I wait.

And play with my new umbrella.
Look what I caught in the sunlight:

Pinched and Pressed

2012-01-08T18:26:00.000-05:00

Day 3's time outside was spent in a different location - and I am completely okay with that. I want to flexible with this, while still sticking to its original purpose. Since it was sixty-three degrees on this day, and I'd gotten a later start due to errands, etc. I chose my spot to be the deck where I could feel all the sun's warmth, unfiltered by tree limbs. Flexibility is key. I think some times people miss the glory brought down on sun's warm rays because they can not step out of routine's sure and confining shadows. I know there is something to be said for what works, but top on my list (short as it is) of pet peeves is doing things the same way all the time 'because it's the way it's always been.'

I am pondering whether I need to keep you completely up-to-speed on these daily musings, or just hit the highlights, and then some things will just be better served in scribing them somewhere else. On this day, I decided to try out one of the discussion and reflection questions for chapter 1. It reads: Is there an area of your life where you feel 'pinched' by the boundaries you've either chosen or been given by life circumstances?

Whew. Loaded question. In some ways I feel more free than I ever have felt before in my life: I have a job I enjoy now with a schedule that doesn't consume me. It allows for space that I so desperately needed. At my age, I am more fully myself (although not entirely) now than ever. I am at peace with my body (most of the time), although there's always room for improvement. My emotions are steady (albeit absent...). I have more time to do what I love.

However, there are areas that still make me feel hemmed in and fenced all around. One area I will leave unsaid for now. Not sure how to go about it, piecing the words together to come out like I intend. Right now my thoughts on that are a stack of random blocks and I want to be sure it's solid before I 'speak' it.

The other area that is confining to me is our current lifestyle. We were asked today to really see what our heart treasured, and I know what mine does treasure, but the dictates of debt, maintaining 'this' life, etc. require so much time, money and energy, that it leaves little else for fully living and serving others completely. This frustrates me greatly. I know I shouldn't envy, but there is a blog that I read of a friend's daughter who is in her twenties, who gave up a good nursing job and all her possessions to go live in Zambia. She is truly free and fulfilled, pouring into the lives of others. I long to taste that kind of life - one that isn't bogged down in material things and obligations other than to love others like Jesus did, and help them to live a better life. I hope to experience that one day: to leave it all behind, strip down to the bare minimum of what I need and nothing more to live for and give to others in a life of simple blessing.

Beauty in Contrasts

2012-01-08T17:59:00.001-05:00

Found this image above me on a gray and drizzly day. The contrast and pattern is stunning.

Breeze on the Backside

2012-01-05T21:48:00.004-05:00

Day 2 of my journey of stillness in the yard as in God in the Yard by l.l. barkat

The canopy over my hammock in winter

No sleeping bag today. It was considerably warmer so I brought our Santa blanket that smells like my daughter because she loves it so much and is often completely cocooned in it. While it was warmer, it was still cool. The biting wind snuck up under the hammock and reached through the ropes to my backside (I grin at the cheesy pun of that...). Wrapping the blanket around the posterior, I settled into the hug of my familiar hideaway.

And it hit me: why on earth have I not done this more often? Why did I put my hammock away at the first nip in the air? How much beauty did I miss?

I say that as I see the forecast for Saturday and Sunday showing rain. I will revisit this thought then.

But no. There is artistry in darkness, streaks of rain and clouds ominous black and threatening. So I look forward to the rain.

Today I swayed and stared, wondering what to make of this time I will spend suspended in silence and seasons. This time I decided to pray. Out loud. There are immediate needs all around, pressing in, bearing down. The time flew by and I was enveloped in the staccato current flowing beside me once again. At that point I was so relaxed, that I drifted off.....

...and startled awake by flinching. Don't you love it when that happens? It has to be funny to witness. I have a feeling an abundance of humorous situations will go unnoticed out there in my little hammock living room.

Now I don't think this time is meant for napping. I had no intention of falling asleep. I don't intent to use this time to sleep. It just happened to happen today. So there's day 2.

My deeper ruminations from today will be in a post to follow.

Saw a quote today that said 'the best things in life are unseen. it's why we close our eyes to kiss, laugh and dream.' That quote could apply to today, although I'd have to argue the closed eyes kiss. Mmmmmmm Hmmmmmmm. I'd argue that one.

Winter Cozy Captured

2012-01-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

Today's pair of pics:

Sunset captured out the back door window...and the faintest sight of a star

To me, this site reflects the epitome of cozy...The evening sun dropping low and the flicker of a candle.

These shots were taken back-to-back. Interesting how the presence and then absence of a flash alters the view...hmmmmm.....

Go Where Sun Meets Sea

2012-01-05T15:06:00.000-05:00

In the book God in the Yard by l.l. barkat, she offers journaling/blog/writing prompt ideas. I am very excited about this. My dilemma is in wanting to do them all..... Maybe I will and that will satisfy my longing to write more this year.

Today, I choose 'If I could, I would return to...'

Nicaragua

This one was easy. No second thoughts whatsoever. I would go back to the cliffs of San Juan del Sur. Now that the lot is officially ours , I feel its beckon growing stronger.

I dream of the possibilities for this cliff, for this perch above the Pacific, where I could feel smaller underneath the fullness of this sky. As of right now, there are no definite plans but there is a purpose for it or it wouldn't have come to be in the unusual, quite unbelievable way that it did. One thing that I often 'see' for this property is to build a beautiful 'retreat', something like this:

I am not interested in 'high-end' or fancy as much as I love the idea of this open living concept that is predominant in houses there because the weather is so favorable for it. I see 'rooms' that are just an extension of the sky and view outside - dining al fresco and places scattered about for conversation and enjoying the vast panorama of sunsets and sunrises and stars. It would definitely have a large rooftop area for stargazing and basking.

My heart is this: not that we would build something like this for our own comfort or benefit, but that it would be a retreat or resting stop for girls being rescued out of human trafficking. I would love for it to have enough space to allow for up to a half dozen to live there in peace, where they could get their bearings and receive the love they so deserve. This is my dream. I also see it as a place for mission groups to come or friends and family who want to 'get away' from the draining vacuum that is the American lifestyle.

This is where I would return to, and this is where I would stay.

Picture-A-Day (catch up)

2012-01-05T14:47:00.000-05:00

I have taken a picture-a-day, but have yet to do anything with them so here are the first few to mark the infancy of a glorious new chapter ahead:

Day 1 (New Year's Day):

It was either this one, or the shot of my legs sprawled along the lounge chair basking in 78 degree goodness. I decided the leggy one might blind you - they haven't seen the sun since October. Blue skies and palm trees won out. I earnestly hope this is a symbolic representation of a year of more warmth, more peace, and more tropical locations than ever before.

Day 2

I love spotting hammocks wherever I go. I am so excited because THIS YEAR I am going to learn how to make hammocks. A friend's husband is going to lead a class on making them. This makes me giddily ecstatic.

Day 3's picture is in the previous post of me in my hammock for my first day of God in the Yard.

Day 4

This was yesterday's picture after taking down all the decorations and tree, and cleaning. This is the story of my life - everything neat, orderly, gleaming floors...and my daughter's boots plunked and left right in the middle of it. I wouldn't have it any other way. Actually a funnier picture from yesterday should have been of me laid out on my floor after slipping and flying into the air before landing with a thud on my right hip 'cheek'. Close your eyes and picture it instead. You have my permission to laugh. I laugh when people fall so I understand.

What will today's picture be?

Surrounded by Stillness and Life

2012-01-05T14:32:00.000-05:00

OF COURSE I decided to start my God in the Yard (by l.l.barkat) journey today, of all days when the cold front settled in hard and fast and the day's temperatures would be striving if they made it out of the twenties. Of course.

“There is a point where in the mystery of existence contradictions meet; where movement is not all movement and stillness is not all stillness; where the idea and the form, the within and the without, are united; where infinite becomes finite, yet not” ~ Rabindranath Tagore

It was suggested a while back that I pick up l.l. barkat's book, God in the Yard, so like any book hound, I did. It wasn't until this new year that I was able to devote my time and attention to it and explore what it may mean for me.

So this is Day 1.

I had to overcome some hurdles of starting any new thing. First, I hunted and gathered all the necessary supplies for the trek down into the backyard. New sleeping bag - check. Book and journal - check. Layers. Approximately three -thermals, tank, sweatshirt, yoga pants, 3 pairs of socks (I loathe for my feet to be cold...), hat, scarf, gloves, son's ski jacket. I felt like Ralphie in The Christmas Story, "I can't put my arms down!!!!" Hot beverage.....Aaaaaand no hands to open the door or carry it all down the steep decline to the creek. I put everything down and went in search of a bag. I knew I would score one in Courtney's closet - if I could make it TO her closet, that is.

Items stashed, hands free, I trotted down the hill to my hammock.

Second hurdle in getting started: new polyester (slick) sleeping bag on a moving weave of rope. I am sure it was quite humorous to witness. In my green (very large) puffy jacket and green sleeping bag, I felt like an upended turtle, legs and arms trapped inside my shell. I did NOT fall out of the hammock.

One lesson learned for the continuation of this journey: do not bring the dog. The dog is not interested in stillness, only smells...and getting snarled by her leash in a patch of prickly briars. So after I untangled her and relieved her wimpering, I interrupted my hour of quiet in the yard to haul her back to the house. No more respite of solitude for the dog.

All in all, on Day 1, I charted a list of bonuses to this practice (trying to overlook the impending weather issues). Here they are:
-naturally causes you to slow down
-feeds my personal need for time to be still and reflect
-stillness/seeking has purpose even as it appears useless and frivolous
-connection to nature
-chance to 'unplug'
-see/experience the change in seasons
-places calm and serenity at the center of each day
-get in touch with God and my own thoughts

I am going to follow along with the book and not try to make this complicated. The only thing I decided was to allow myself 6 out of 7 days to be 'out in the yard' because there will inevitably be those days it won't be possible to do. Other than that, I'm going to plow ahead and see what happens. The rainy days should be interesting.

Last, I also conducted an exercise that I remember doing through my literacy coach training that is beneficial to do with young writers - chart the senses in a given moment. So I did that too:

hear
*distant progress of a construction site
*chattering birds
*creek's smooth flow
*hollow wind
*crunch of leaves
*hum of busyness on the street nearby
see
*bright green of the new sleeping bag against dull winter green
*spindly tree limbs
*dead leaves drooping
*lone leaf twirling back and forth on the breeze
*sunlight like an iris when my breath fogs up my sunglasses
*birds fluttering in and out of the trees
*sun lilting low
taste
*warm sweetness of my hot beverage
touch/feel
*hearbeat against the hammock's ropes
*wind taunting the exposed places
*scarf and hat's warm scratchiness
smell
*new sleeping bag/polyester/camping smell
*cold
*coffee breath moist against knit scarf

"For in Him we live and move and have our being" Acts 17:28a

Just be.

What to do, what to do?

2012-01-04T01:19:00.000-05:00

I wish I could sum up my last few weeks precisely for you. I can give you an image of sorts: take several trips to a mall (NOT my fav), whirlwind planning of a surprise going-away party, four doctor's visits within a week, two tests: e.e.g and mri - one being sleep-deprived and Mom stayed up too, for moral support, a trip to the airport and one overnight guest - Greg's mentally-challenged AWESOME uncle on the same night as the surprise party, Christmas Eve festivities and food, Christmas Day/church/gathering with my parents/pack-n-gather for the next family gathering, three days of family time - a house and camper chock full of eleven adults, and seven kids ranging in ages from 16 to 6 months, and a dog, eight hour drive to Orlando, three blitz Disney days with the rest of the free world, New Year's Eve with 100,000 of my closest friends, a New Year's Day made in heaven, and watching firstborn launch from the nest- put all that in a blender and voila! That's been my holiday season. You can see why I haven't been here much in these last few days/weeks.

And then it is a NEW YEAR!!! This girl gets giddy at the thought of every new year. It is in my very genetic code - look up my personality: INFJs looooooove reflectiveness and defining and re-defining priorities. There really is no yearly 'resolution' - for we are resolving improvements within and upon ourselves on a regular basis. I read a quote recently that resonated with me:

"A Wild Woman reinvents & improves herself so regularly that the perceived need to do so once a year isn't such an urgent desire as it is for others."~Angela Brockman

Still, I always welcome the new year, eagerly awaiting the turn of a fresh, blank page and a chance to try and get better still. I had a pretty solid idea what I wanted to do last year. I knew that it was just time to finally commit to reading the Bible in its entirety - and I did (more on that later). Keeping it simple, I really only made the one decision to do something for that year. Other areas needed a rest.

Until this year...2012 seems to be the year for me to want to undergo a complete overhaul. I'm like an ADD kid on speed - I want to do/change/fix/improve everything, counter to what all life coaches and self-improvement gurus would recommend. So I made a list (yet another facet of my personality - the innate need to be organized but other, stronger aspects of the personality override this and leave a disorganized mess in its wake - usually piles). This is only the partial list. Some things are more personal and some I haven't yet decided on so I am holding them tentative for now.

1) Take a picture a day.

2) God in the Yard year-long journey of stillness

3) Organization (of my whole house and filing system)

4) Physical fitness

5) Ramp up my writing efforts and find ways to make them really count.

6) Not touch my phone in the car except when I am stopped. (don't judge)

So - the quandary: leap head-long into this lofty reconstruction? Pick and choose? PRIORITIZE?

Actually, this list became much more manageable when I did make a list and evaluate each possibility. #'s 2-5 are the most involved and lofty but I also realized that in attempting the more challenging goals, I had to commit to making conscious decisions about my time. I don't watch tv anyway, so if I could make the most of the time in each day, those things could be achieved.

And so, I embarked on 2) today (post following...or preceding...whichever way you see it listed). 3) will be plugged throughout the long weekends that I have been afforded with my schedule that I am becoming more and more attached to with each passing week. I know how to tackle a room/closet/drawer/corner/pile. The key is to take one area at a time and find ways to see quick results.

4) ? I may be nuts, but I am seriously kicking the tires of P90x and wanting to give it a spin. I relish the challenge but recognize it will be tough - I have had to dial back my running/ exercise routines in the last year. It was either that, or have my heart hammer clear out of my chest and send me straight to the hereafter, 'do not pass 'GO', do not collect 200 dollars'. Doctor's orders - I had to back off, or else.

5) will be helped by 2) and you may see the fruit of that labor here, but I hope to also be able to branch out beyond the confines of this white space. Stay tuned.

1) and 6) are more simple. Taking a picture a day is made easy thanks to today's technology and my new phone. Quick and easy. You may see those as well. 6) is strictly a matter of discipline and a mental reminder that what I don't want my two teenaged drivers to do behind the wheel should NOT be practiced by me. Period. So far, so good.

And I just thought of another one...

7) Write a poem a week in place of fridge poetry, although those are still fun to scatter about.

Guess I better get busy...

but first I have a meteor shower to go see...

hope you can hang on for the ride!

This Gift

2012-01-03T23:39:00.001-05:00

I arrived home late last night from leaving my eldest in another state...on a base... under trees laden with moss.....where he'll live and eat and learn in a mobile home and two army tents for a few months...

to find this letter -

Can you see why I love this man so much? He left this on my foyer table upon returning from leaving Zach. He's thoughtful that way. With the letter, he left this to me:

Tears welled when I picked it up and it started playing the Aggie fight song. Not only is this special for what it represents, but it was surreal to be holding something that I loved so much as a child. I remember holding this and playing the song over and over and over. You can see that the desire to be an Aggie started very young.

Anyway, I just had to share this most precious gift.

2012-01-01T01:09:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year.

2011-12-27T01:14:00.001-05:00

I am here. But barely. There is so much but no quiet for words to settle around. I am here.

Where are you?

The Blur of Lights

2011-12-21T00:17:00.000-05:00

I find it so interesting that most people I know in their teens and twenties seem to be in a hurry for something. They are often heard saying, "I wish _________ would get here." or posting, "Christmas/New Year's/Saturday(you fill in the blank)____________ can't get here soon enough."They are ready for what's next, stepping on the shoulders of 'now' to stretch into the future, to get 'there'.

I remember that feeling. Looking at my life in what seemed like a 'holding pattern', I reached for any time but where I was currently found - anywhere but high school, anywhere but freshman year of college, anywhere but single, anywhere but 'here and now'. I suppose this is quite normal for that stage of life when you're invincible and the people around you will always be there.

Not now. If anything, I am finding myself more and more, whispering, "Slow down. Just pause and be still. Please wait." While I am eager for Christmas to be here - I am not ready. I do not think my heart is prepared and my focus has been elsewhere. I am being honest. Christmas also marks the last day Zach will be at home, if all goes well at the neurologist's, for six months.

We went out to our favorite Mexican restaurant last night as a family. It is the place where we have shared an abundance of laughter and joys of our 'doing life together'. We went knowing it would be the last time for a long while that we would scrunch into one of those booths, to dip into the endless bowl of chips together (but NO double-dipping in the salsa as per Zach) and to be waited on by Hector and the many 'usual' waiters who have become friends to us.

I have been too busy to really stop and think about it. It scares me sometimes how I have become quite the expert at shutting down my emotions on command. It scares me even more at the point when they unleash. I have been fortunate that I have had a million and one things to take care of and accomplish in the last week and this one or I might crumple to the floor in a pool of snot and tears and be useless. Not a good time of year to be a blubbering blob. Even now, I hear Zach's laughter upstairs and as tears blur the words I just typed, I say to them - no, not now. His best friend has come over to help him try to stay up as long as possible - his sleep-deprived EEG is tomorrow. I will sit here in the blur of the lights of my tree and wrap up the sounds, hold them close and cherish them always.

August Burns Red - Little Drummer Boy (NEW CHRISTMAS SONG)

2011-12-19T10:24:00.002-05:00

August Burns Red - Carol of the Bells

2011-12-19T10:24:00.001-05:00

LOVE THIS.

What Child Is This - Mercy Me

2011-12-19T10:24:00.000-05:00

Favorite Christmas song at the moment.

The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

2011-12-19T10:23:00.000-05:00

I adore this song. Bonus that it is from the 80's.

City and Colour - As Much As I Ever Could

2011-12-19T10:22:00.000-05:00

2011-12-18T21:08:00.000-05:00

Having a City & Colour kind of night...

It's just one of those kinds of nights.

The Honey Trees - To Be With You (Official Video)

2011-12-17T09:06:00.000-05:00

I held the stars to light where you are
When your unfeigned heart called to me through the dark
Soaked in the sound that rose from the ground
There I could feel
I felt, I felt you near

Beautiful.

Stricken to Greater Faith

2011-12-15T21:42:00.003-05:00

It was the Sunday after Thanksgiving and we had plans to gather at my Mom's for Thanksgiving with our side of the family. I had elected to bring the turkey and sweet potatoes so I'd been in the kitchen all morning. Greg had gone into Zach's room to start the waking process. Since the beginning of the semester, he had become diligent about using an alarm clock, but we often let both kids sleep in on the weekends and wake up more true to their teen nature. Greg opened his door and spoke into the room, "Good mornin' buddy."

Ten minutes later, I went into his room to 'sing' him awake and be silly to get him out of bed. I approached and said, "Gooood moooooornin'!" all sing-songy and Irish sounding. Zach appeared to be rolling towards me to stretch when I realized, as time seemed to lock into slow motion, that something was terribly wrong. His arms stretched forward and stayed there, as his eyes rolled back into his head and he lengthened stiff and contorted. He had gone into full-blown seizure.

When my voice could travel back up from the pit of my stomach I screamed for Greg and he came running. He took one look and began to sob/pray, holding onto Zach's shoulders as I ran to call 911. I didn't know what else to do with myself so I paced, clutching the phone to my ear. I was giving the information to the operator, listening to Greg in the other room, his voice strangled with desperation. At the moment the operator asked me if Zach was breathing, I heard in the other room, 'Ooooooooh noooooooooo, HE'S NOT BREATHING!!!"

To the operator: "oh hurry! He's not breathing! (voice trembling) please hurry"

I went back into the room, still on the phone, to see Zach lying still. He had gone completely unconscious. Greg backed away from him, his legs appearing to go weak as he held himself up by the door. The operator wanted me to stay on the phone but now the room was eerily quiet. The EMTs arrived and filed into the room as I sat staring at my boy. My six-foot one son, lying completely still, mouth hanging open, pale.

At the emergency room, we were having a very familiar experience: back in September, his best friend had been over the night before and when he went in to say goodbye, found Zach restless, unable to speak, and unresponsive. We now know he had had a seizure then, but caught the down phase. As he began to come to, he appeared as one mentally challenged: mouth open, jaw jutted, mumbling and disoriented. It was heartbreaking.

We then spent the next four hours by his side at the hospital, watching him being poked, prodded, stuck and bled. A young, inexperienced nurse couldn't find a vein for his I.V. and proceeded to stick him three different times, at one point drawing blood that went everywhere. This Mama Bear wanted to climb over the bed and tell her to 'practice' on me first and that if she poked him again, she would have to deal with me. He was back to being coherent but weak, tired, and nauseous. Tests were inconclusive. There was no explanation for this occurrence. He had endured two of what they now call tonic-clonic seizures. He was told he couldn't drive and that we had to get him to a neurologist. That is happening tomorrow.

We had actually experienced this same story seventeen and a half years ago when Zach was 8 months old. He had his first febrile seizure due to a fever induced by an ear infection. I walked past his bedroom in the little upstairs area of our townhouse and heard this baby make an unusual squeal. When I went in to check on him, he has completely arched, like the wooden limb of a bow. I lifted him out of his crib and he did not flinch. This began a pattern of seizures if his fever reached 102 or over until he was about four-years-old. This is actually very normal. Many children experience febrile seizures. It is not normal when it is your child, no matter how old they are.

This was that precious baby on the day after his first seizure. I could not put him down and I didn't take my eyes off of him.

This all comes at such an inopportune time, right before Zach is to leave for a six-month stretch of training and mission opportunity to the Ukraine and Turkey. I have been wrestling with this. He has been wanting to do this since last spring. And now this uncertainty. If that wasn't enough, this threatened to strike fear. FEAR. We felt it every morning as we approached his bedroom door to wake him up. Then I remembered:

God is NOT a God of fear. What was I shown as I wandered around in complete darkness on a Texas shore? Instead of fear, He said 'TRUST' and it was what He asked of me over and over and over back then, but I know that it was meant for the duration of my days, not just those thirteen days on the road.

For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.
2 Timothy 1:7

He brought back to my mind the healing I have experienced, and the faith that I had to have that it was real. He would do it again. So I grabbed hold of faith. Zach would not have another one. This was GONE.

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
James 1:6

I will NOT waver. It isn't as if I haven't been tempted to let doubt creep in my thoughts. Quite the contrary, but each time I remind myself that I will stand firm. I will tie myself to the helm of this ship, endure the battering torrent, but will NOT doubt. God has this. I trust it to be so.

My Favorite Things

2011-12-15T20:25:00.001-05:00

Julie Andrews made the song "My Favorite Things" famous, and it is a reminder to think on the beautiful things of the season that have nothing to do with the commercialized mayhem the world has made of Christmas. If I wrote the song, here are some of the things I would have included:

The scent of Orange and Clove

This has to be my favorite smell at Christmas. I keep a small pot filled with water, orange slices and cloves to warm and permeate the house with this heady scent.

Christmas lights

One of my favorite things to do when I finally get everything decorated is to pour a nice warm beverage and just sit and stare at the tree, letting my eyes get all squinty so that the lights blur and shimmer. It is especially pretty when you put the old-fashioned silver tinsel on it and it looks like the whole tree sparkles.

Tinsel

Yes, we still use this tree accessory. I have such fond memories of tinsel as a child. We would go to my Granny's and run around the center stairway, creating electricity and then getting 'zapped' with the tinsel as it reached out its silvery fingers towards us. The dining room, kitchen, hallway and living room wrapped around to form a square - a perfect runway for us cousins to get sock-footed and have wild times and laughter zipping around to pass the tree coated in shimmery waterfalls of tinsel. There was a time when I 'insisted' on our tree being all designer, 'matchy-matchy' boring with all white lights and coordinating ribbon and glass globes, but no more. I abandoned that ridiculous notion thankfully years ago, when my kids were still young and I remembered what I loved most about trees growing up - colored lights, big bulbs (we do these sometimes), the hodgepodge of ornaments, many of them handcrafted by me-you know the ones: cottonball popcicle stick snowmen and spray-painted macaroni creations, and tinsel...gobs of tinsel. So we went back to the 'old-fashioned' looking tree and everyone is ecstatic. I'm happy that they're happy.

Baileys Original Irish Cream

THIS is the quintessential taste of the holiday season to me. For a delightful warm beverage, add this to coffee and aaaaaahhhhh....

Pipe Cleaners

Strange? Yes, I know. We have a tradition that is rather odd - we play a rousing game of ring the pipe cleaner hoop on the Christmas tree before adorning it with ornaments. This tradition was borne years ago when the kids were elementary age and Courtney had made some pipe cleaner hoops to put on the tree. One evening, before ornaments made it on the tree, Zach began tossing them on the tree to see how high he could get them and a tradition was begun. Since then, once we get the tree up and the lights on, we compete to see who can get their hoops highest on the 8 foot tree. We have had to adjust over the last few years as Zach has grown and now towers over the other three of us but we make it happen, and we make it zany. It's the crazy fun that counts.

These are a few of my favorite things.

The Many Colors of Grief

2011-12-14T01:09:00.001-05:00

On the day of Karle's funeral, it had been one of those bright, fall days where the atmosphere crackles with the mix of cool air and warm sun. It was surreal, feeling my heart of gray mocked by blatant 'perfect' weather. It was the kind of day Karle would have loved though. I had cried when I'd heard the news, and new tears surfaced as I sat through the funeral and then again when they played a recording of his voice giving the eulogy for his wife so many years ago. This grief was the color of rainwater falling down in sheets with the sun breaking through.

As I left the funeral I decided to just drive. I didn't know where. I had to keep moving. I cannot describe the sensation. It was like simultaneously watching a movie of myself while I was in it. I rolled along the winding roads, top down remembering when Karle had had a convertible and would drive it this way long after most people would have closed it up for a warmer ride.

I hadn't been to a funeral since my solo road trip in '09. A familiar grief blasted through me, searing white heat as the echoing memory of that mournful sob of long ago came all the way from the deep recesses of the past and out of my mouth before I knew what was happening. That sob. The one that clung to me for the better part of my drive home, was here in my lungs and my throat, and it forced me to pull over. I had to bend over at the waist. It wrenched me from somewhere submerged, contracting my whole body forward. I had to hold onto myself in an effort to hold it together, but there was no containing this wail. It came from that place back there on the long road home. It wasn't enclosed within the confines of walls and roof, but peeled from my anguish long and loud, nonetheless. This grief the color of blinding light. I can not see past it and I do not understand.

Finally, a flash of grief, warm but sad. I had started to pull out the Christmas decorations. My ipod was docked and playing songs on shuffle, not quite ready yet for the heralding of the holiday music. I walked into the foyer carrying a box full of trinkets and heard this:

We played this at my Aunt Cathy's funeral, in November of '08. Again, blindsided. I closed my eyes and saw her face. Of course music would make me think of her. It was one of the many things that connected us. This grief was the color of the pulsing orange glow of highway lights, the way they flash through your darkness and then are gone.

This Eagle Can Now Soar

2011-12-13T23:48:00.002-05:00

I had mentioned that I broke away from my technological fast last month upon hearing of a loss that blindsided me. On November 3rd, my dear friend, Natalie called to tell me our former principal had passed away. He's the principal I had worked with the longest - over ten years. He was young - early fifties.

His story is a tragic one but should be told. His story makes me believe in the truest of loves between two people that were meant to be. Just before I started working at Baldwin - maybe just a couple of years before, he had lost his wife in an accident. They had all been in the car on 4th of July weekend with their three very young children. His wife had taken off her seat belt to turn around and help one of the kids in the backseat, as mothers often do. They were in stop-and-go traffic and the situation didn't seem dangerous at all. Suddenly they were hit from behind and she was launched through the windshield, killing her instantly. He was left to raise his three children alone.

When he spoke of her, his voice and face changed. His love for her was ever present. During my time at Baldwin, we talked sporadically and mostly about travel and raising kids. His mention of Melody wasn't often, the pain of that loss still evident.

He was really never the same after he lost his beloved. It seemed his path wandered in search of something, anything, that would fill that void, and nothing did. Not for long. He tried to marry again, but that wasn't enough and it didn't last.

His health began to slide near the end of his time at our school. Choices, both his and others', wore on him, suffering that took its toll and showed in weariness of spirit. At the beginning of the school year, I had heard he had a minor heart attack. On November 3rd his longing heart, broken but still beating pulsed its last. He drifted off to sleep and never woke up. His son found him when he came home from work. He left three grown children and a granddaughter. I believe that he had gone long enough trying to live with only half of his heart. The other half was very much alive and waiting for him in heaven. His funeral took place on her birthday.

That was Karle in death. In life he was a generous person, kind and fun-loving. He was an 'out of the box' thinker, and a schemer of the 'big picture'. I will always remember the water fights he took part in on the last days of school, the 'fish throwing' that took place, his funny ties, his blasting Alice Cooper's 'School's Out' over the intercom on one of our last days (all the kids had gone home, of course), his child-like love of snow and his absolute obsession with all things Christmas. He would put up no less than 8 to 10 trees in his house and then invite us over to ring in the holiday season. He was my secret Santa one year and the final, 'reveal' day was magical - as the time drew closer, he began sending surprises every hour. I still have all of those things, and pulled out many of the Christmas decorations this year, this time tinged in sadness.

We were the Baldwin Eagles. He was proud of our school. He collected eagles and even took a small stuffed one all the way around the world to New Zealand once when he went to visit some of our teachers there who were doing some intensive training. Now he can soar, unencumbered and with his one love. His story gives me hope in love like that.

I WILL judge this 'book' by its cover and other random prattling

2011-12-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

This will most likely come out as a conglomerate mass of unrelated blathering, so if you are one that requires order and outline, skip right on over. This post's not for you. I ask myself, "Why post a patchwork mess of nothing?", and then I answer my own question with yet another question (does that also drive you mad?), "Why fruitcake? What is it, anyway?"

Discovery: The other night I stumbled upon a confirmed truth in that our body heat really does escape through the top of our head. Little did I know that as I shivered and froze under three layers of covers in the tundra that was my bedroom, I inadvertently conducted my own experiment in the wisdom of the pioneers and 17th century brethren who had an article of clothing worn specifically for bedtime to stay warmer in the coldest of winter nights: the nightcap. Not the liquid 'shaken, but not stirred' kind, but the actual head covering worn to keep in body heat. How did I 'discover' this? While I lay trembling, my insides quivering from the cold, I realized I had gone to bed in a hoodie (yes, I was still cold under three layers of blankets AND a hoodie - turns out the heat was put all the way down on 50something: i.e. meat locker setting). So I scooched and wiggled out of my cocoon to put my hoodie over my head. Thankfully it was dark as tar because I am sure I looked like a doof - a bundled, warm doof. In a matter of minutes, I began to thaw out and drift away into a cozy-warm state of sleep.

I do hope you will be able to change trains quickly with me. Fair warning: topics are subject to change without notice.

THIS made me laugh uncontrollably.

We are having a 'white elephant' exchange at my brother's house this coming Saturday so I went plunking through one of the dollar stores where nothing is over a dollar and everything is made in China. Lo and behold! They had a bin of movies! Remember: this is a dollar store. These movies probably barely made it out of the production company. There was only one copy of THIS (see above movie cover). I read the title slowly...it is so ridiculous and dumb that it took a minute for my brain to digest it. 'I Want Someone to Eat CHEESE With'?!?! First of all, although it is a myth that you can't end a sentence with a preposition, this sentence structure drives me batty!!!! Second, how the HECK did someone actually decide that THIS would be the 'brilliant' grabber to title this movie?! The plot and picture on the cover isn't much better. It's basically about an overweight guy that wants to find someone to love, get a good part, and lose weight...Sounds spellbinding, doesn't it? No - I have not watched this movie. I could be sorely mistaken and find that it is a delightful little piece of cinematic magic. I just can't get past the title and my own snorting laughter as I keep saying it over and over. I bet that poor girl 'starring' in this riveting snippet of film is rueing the day she ever signed on the dotted line for THIS one.

Yesterday my Mom called to ask if I would please run over to check and see if she had turned off her curling iron. They had gone down to visit her Dad for the day and had a V-8 moment where she realized she may have left it on (There. I am trying with great effort to get over my prepositional hang-ups.) So in keeping with the local fashion, I threw on floppy shoes and jumped in my car in my pajamas to head over to their house (we live 3.2 miles from them). Let me relieve your fevered mind: I DO NOT - repeat DO NOT go out in public with my pajama pants on (I am getting more and more comfortable with this notion...Prepositional Freedom!). I went from my garage to Mom's driveway and left caution to the wind if I might have wrecked or got stopped. Anyway, all that to say, I just had to share this whimsical flash of light and beauty:

Dad's windchime glinting in the sun.

In other news, I am keeping my little legal pad busy and conducting myself in the writerly way by jotting ideas that skitter across my cranium...yesterday I was writing and stopped for a minute to gaze out the window and glanced down at this: one of my most favorite writing utensils. This and a pen with blue ink:

I am not usually a brand snob but THIS is the brand of pencil I prefer. You needed to know this, I am sure.
(Hey - these two thoughts might actually be slightly cohesive with one another. Three cheers for one continuous train of thought!)
While in my pursuit of all things wordsmithery, I have been (and still am) seeking a place to write. This can be almost as important as what you write (unlike this current post you are reading right now that would be considered a NONexample of exemplary craft). So I will crack the door on one of my little 'islands' and show you one place that I particularly enjoy. It isn't my crisp white room overlooking the ocean, walls of windows and bookshelves scented with the salty air, but it is a lovely spot to sit and cogitate.

I called this photo 'slants and shadows'. This is my tan leather chair in the corner of my room by the window. Great place for dreaming. I especially like to squish down into the soft leather sideways and stare out the window.

Alright, after a post like this one, you have earned the right to go rest and watch fish in a fish tank or something (proven to relieve stress...). Thanks for hanging in there with me. I promise there will be more ordered thought to come.

Say What You Need to Say?

2011-12-07T20:09:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel on the grading and semester's end - I can't wait! Of course I am looking forward to Christmas and the break, but I can't wait to be here! With you! That in and of itself is a gift!

In the mean time, here is a double-spin of John Mayer for your evening 'chill'. Yes, I love Christmas music during this time of year, but take occasional auditory breaks from it throughout the season too. Sort of like a palette cleaning for the ears. Some of you will truly 'get' that. I am sure of it.

This came up on rotation today from my 'Favorites' option in my car. Sometimes this feature feels like a rude interruption, but at times it is a welcome change, and when 'Say' popped up, I eagerly clicked over. Although not lyrically complex, the song expresses great wisdom.

Another one, this one with a Christmas spin:

2011-12-06T01:17:00.000-05:00

Currently snuggled down and covered up by case studies, field experience journals and soon, essay finals. I will be reading until my eyes bug out. Two days. Two more days and I will be home free for fa la la, frivolity and the like. In the mean time:

Tangible

2011-12-03T22:51:00.000-05:00

I want to go where
dreams are real,
touches
are tangible
and future
is now.
Organic
palpable
pressed and overcome.
Yesterday is here
and today,
a memory.
Wild thought -
reality,
and mundane
unmentioned.
Untamed,
undone.

Decisions Interrupted

2011-12-03T22:45:00.000-05:00

So my hiatus from the snug confines of this virtual hammock was for a time away to reflect and make some decisions. I made a few, fragmented, pieces-parts decisions so far but I ended up breaking my technology fast a bit prematurely due to a loss and the need to be able to connect with the crew who had this loss in common with me. More on that in stories to come. There are quite a few stories to share from this small time away.

What have I been up to in the white noise of time I've been away? It has been an interesting, sorrowful, bizarre, crazy time. Here are some of the small 'nuggets':

I have become a puzzle-put-er-together-er...Yes. This may be an old lady kind of thing to do, but I have found it is ASTOUNDING in its benefits of being able to NOT THINK about anything but shades of color and pattern and matching curves and contours. It has been shown they help keep minds sharp and increase problem-solving. For me, I like to get lost in the pieces.
I have nearly completed my first semester as a college professor and I love it. It has been exhausting at times, but a good tired, and I am okay with that. I did an informal evaluation along with the formal evaluation so that I could have feedback on ways to improve on the courses, and they honestly nearly made me cry. One wrote, "You are my role model." This humbles me.
Of the decisions I (sort of, partially) made during this time, I will divulge a few: 1) I will not be taking this blog down. Not any time soon. I may be more focused in my posts, but I'm not going away. 2) The idea of getting my doctorate has begun to jangle about in the outer limits of my brain. No definite plans as such. Just murmurings. 3) I have just about decided that my book I am going to write is going to be about sex. (*gasp*) Just mull over that one - I am not going to say more. 4) I also decided not to take down my actual hammock either. I will explain why below.
I am nearly to the end of my journey through the Bible and I have a journal full of notes and musings, a greater appreciation for the Grand Plan, and a thousand more questions. I have stuck with it, caught up when I got behind, and I recommend it highly.
In my decision to leave my actual hammock dangling beside the creek, I am going to take another interesting, year-long journey - this time in being still. I am going to go through a book called God in the Yard by l.l. barkat and crawl up in my hammock for an hour a day, aiming for 5-6 days a week. On the outset, it seems daunting but I feel a powerful pull to do this. Now. So as I close the year of reading at the end of December, I will then begin my quest for stillness. The great thing about this endeavor is that it does involve writing and I hope to share some of what surfaces here, from one hammock to another. You may be wondering - how will I keep this up through all kinds of weather, etc? Discipline, fortitude, rain gear, warm sleeping bag and coffee. Lots of coffee.

Come join me.

To Breathe a Sigh or Two

2011-12-03T12:17:00.000-05:00

A cherished favorite for this time of year.

Surely You Jest

2011-12-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

Hello World...

...or maybe hello to the few that have continued to drop by in my absence. Heard this song just the other day for the first time, and it reminded me of coming back here. A few parts of the lyrics resonate:

Traffic cars, cell phone calls, top video screams at me
Through my tender window I see a little girl, rust red minivan
She's got chocolate on her face, got little hands
And she waves at me, yeah, she smiles at me

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel cold as steel
Broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little hole in the little girl
Well, hello world

Every day I drive by a little white church
It's got these little white crosses like angels in the yard
Maybe I should stop on in and say a prayer
Maybe talk to God like He is there
Oh, I know He's there, yeah, I know He's there

Well, hello world, how've you been?
Good to see you, my old friend
Sometimes I feel as cold as steel
And broken like I'm never gonna heal
I see a light, little grace, little faith unfurl
Well, hello world

Sometimes I forget what living's for
And I hear my life through my front door
And I'll be there, oh, I'm home again

I see my wife, little boy, little girl
Hello world, hello world

Oh, the empty disappears
I remember why I'm here
To surrender and believe
I fall down on my knees
Oh hello world, hello world, hello world

I know, I know. I said I would get back here on the 1st. Oh, surely you jest! Those that truly know me know that I will most likely skid in on two wheels sideways. So here I am...for anyone who is still here. It is late and I am at a loss for what to say. I would have thought I'd have something more to say upon my return. So for tonight, a quiet sway back in the hammock is fitting instead.

Gone Cogitatin'

2011-11-02T00:57:00.002-04:00

It is figurative that I finally took down my hammock by the creek this weekend. It is time to put away my haven for dreaming until the next warm day. I am already anticipating the day I can string it back up, climb in and tangle my fingers and toes in its ropes.

This brings me to my hammock dangling from sturdy trunks of cyber trees here. I have come to a place where I need to make some decisions, and they are best made when space is given to allow clarity to surface. I do not plan to stop writing but just not here for a while, and for different purposes.

I consider this a fast of sorts. I am a firm believer, as well as participant, of fasting for both spiritual and health reasons. Fasts can come in many forms - such as abstaining from food or certain types of foods, media and entertainment or other activities, sex and even sleep. I have commonly practiced both liquid fasts (abstaining from all food) and media fasts before. One such fast from food (water and juices only) lasted 21 days and heralded a period in my life of incredible vision, clarity and understanding.

So this time I will forgo technology, except for what is required for my job and my communication with family and friends as needed with my phone. It will not be easy, yet I am looking forward to a time of seeking. Less distraction is always welcome at my door.

This is temporary, unless I get a sense, after a time away, that it is time to move on. It is certainly bittersweet because although you are silent visitors, I will miss all of you that make your way here to climb up in this hammock to slow life down and sway with me a little while. I often wonder about you - my friends from Latvia, Russia, Germany, Denmark and even my heart-shaped Nicaragua, and then all the hundreds of you that drift this way each week from the U.S. I welcome you all here, and hope that you will return. Look at it like a friend that is just going away on a trip for a while. We can look forward to more stories to tell and share for a genuine and joyous reunion.

I am planning to be back here by December 1st. I hope that you will all return. If I could, I'd give you my best southern, full embrace. Until then, remember to be thankful for all things. Give generously. Love someone that has a harder time loving you back. Laugh. Be silly. Dance. And always remember to look deeply into someone's eyes. This one act is more spiritual than a million angelic choirs. Love and the best sweet dreams to you.

October Fire

2011-10-29T18:15:00.000-04:00

Moby - Summer

2011-10-29T18:09:00.000-04:00

I know it's fall, and currently it is actually more early winteresque in temperatures...

I get that....

......and I miss summer anyway...

This is all instrumental so it could also be titled 'Chillz for a Evening By Yourself' and it'd fit.

Unwind and Forget in Paint

2011-10-29T17:29:00.000-04:00

A former teacher colleague of mine bailed out on education altogether and bought an art gallery. She is now offering classes to have a local artist walk participants through a painting. This was therapeutic and a way to get 'lost' for awhile. I might have stumbled across something I will do more. I liked getting lost.

Fridge Poetry Friday and a Tune

2011-10-28T15:37:00.000-04:00

Can not get this song out of my head these days. Coldplay is incredible in concert, and this song is a unifying almost spiritual experience when thousands are singing, 'lights will guide you home/ and ignite your bones/ and I will try to fix you' in unison.

Brand Spankin' New

2011-10-25T21:07:00.063-04:00

On the last morning of the beach trip, I finally got up early enough to catch the whole sunrise. In fact, I was up before the sun. It was still silky black speckled with stars. Carrying a towel to stretch out, my camera bag and coffee, I tiptoed my way across the mist-damp shore. Sinking into the chilly sand, I reclined back and propped on the backpack like a pillow. I was the only one out there - so quiet. I spotted a shooting star and two satellites. It was a time to talk to God and sing without fear anyone would hear me.

Recalling the night of graduation, I pulled up this song and watched as dawn cracked the lid on the horizon, a copper glow to begin the day:

Here's a glimpse of the beauty in progress. I was joined by a lone day greeter.

I loved this particular shot with all the lines...

...and fond of this one with the inky clouds smudging the glossy sand.

New perspective

Each in their own moment

Night passes the baton to day

In his element (lone stranger fisherman)

This one was a mistake...and turned out to be beautiful, just like so many things in life...

Here it comes...

I switched to my long lens, and this song...

Love the splashes gilded in sunrise.

Finally, I think I played this song over and over watching the rest of the wonderment unfold:

The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue,
Fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise.
Lamentations 3:22,23

This translation is my favorite. The One that has my heart created this. Amazing.

Watch Out

2011-10-22T22:10:00.001-04:00

Walking along the beach one morning, I encountered a couple directly in front of me as they came out from under the pass-thru at the pier. The husband said something to me, his wife clutching his right arm. I drew a little closer and popped out an ear bud.

"What was that?", I asked.

"Watch out under the pier.", he replied.

"There's a man under there. Probably (nearly whispering this next word) homeless."

By now we had passed each other, so I turned to thank them and continued on. When he'd first said 'watch out' I thought there might be a hole, or a pile of broken glass, something that poised to cause me immediate bodily harm. What I found was injuring - to my heart and my spirit.

This man, this homeless man lay curled up on his side against one of the wave worn support beams of the pier. He was just beside the path for those passing under, sound asleep. I walked slowly, and in that moment he reminded me of a precious child. He was probably in his late 30's or 40's, although it is hard to know the extent a hard life has on one's appearance. He looked like a sleeping child, wild brown hair askew, and he was tucked inward, arms completely inside his thin, dishwater-colored plain tee. He had pulled it up around the bottom of his face to block out the chilly October air. His clompy work boots were off, standing together neatly below him on the sand. Socks the shade of his tee shirt, baggy and loose, the elastic gone a long time ago sagged from the end of his feet. Beside him, a pile of empty chip bags and I had to wonder where he might have gotten them. I felt I was walking through his living room. All his worldly possessions surrounded him - a faded red box (maybe a lunch box or storage?) and a rattly old bicycle leaning against the same post where he pressed his back and slept.

I kept walking, but as is often the case when I encounter something like this, I was so moved that it hurt. What could I do? I had nothing on me but a room key and phone. I started to plan to head to the condo quickly and gather things to bring back to him, but the tide was coming in, and soon he would have to relocate or find himself in rising water. I turned again to look his way, and saw a man bend down and move the man's box and shoes. They were too close to the tide creeping closer.

For this, my faith was somewhat restored in humankind. I was still wrestling with the couple that 'warned' me of this possible 'danger'. Maybe I was reading too much into their reaction, but the more I thought about it, the more it burned my chaps. I had to grasp and tend to my own judgements rising up within me, fighting an attitude of indignation toward people like this, often well-meaning folks, even people of faith that I have encountered that perceive people that are different or less fortunate than them as just that - less. I have no idea where this couple's beliefs or ideals stem from, or whether they were of any particular faith at all. I didn't know them so it was an unfair appraisal, but this ugly bit of 'reverse judgment' flared up in me, and I spent the rest of my way back dealing with it. It seems I have encountered these similar attitudes of others lately, and I am finding that I am less and less tolerant of it. For example, the comment made by one of our highly prominent community members who decided he could no longer attend our church because 'the sorts of people that come there you wouldn't want to invite to have around your dining table.'

This kind of thing brings me to angry tears. Does he KNOW what Jesus spent most ALL of his time doing while here on earth? He ate with the riffriff, the unkempt, the gamblers, the drunks and the sinners. He walked everywhere, out among the people, demonstrating through His actions that He would reach out and touch anyone, out of compassion when He saw of their need, regardless of their rotting flesh, foul smells, ailments and addictions.

I have entered the New Testament of my year-long journey through the Bible chronologically, and I am finding my deep love for this Son of Man Jesus growing deeper by the day. I am also noticing a disparity at the way 'we' in the Christian community present Him and His ways and what I am finding penned in words by the ones that walked with Him daily. He was not an 'arms length' Savior, a 'put a token in an envelope and send it to the less fortunate' Healer. He did not rally 'His' little chosen crew, circle the wagons, hold hands and create a barrier to those on the outside. In fact, these are the very things that He saw in the 'religious teachers' that angered Him most. He did not cast his fury at the demon-possessed, the women with colorful pasts, or the ones of little faith. But we do.

I made my way back to my condo and my peace of mind in settling my own troubled attitudes toward that unknown couple and so many like them. For whatever reason, they just don't truly see. I can not fault them for what they do not grasp. I can only contend with my own reactions and responses so I made up my mind: I would go out the next morning, prepared to serve this one that's been forgotten. That, and I would, from now on, always tuck a five-dollar bill on me somewhere so that I could respond in the moment and not have to wait.

The next morning I got up early, put together a 'care bag' and headed out. I made a generous sandwich, put in the rest of the loaf of bread that wouldn't make it home intact anyway, several waters, a banana and some soap and shampoos. I also carried a small orange juice and then my own coffee in the other hand. I made my way the mile or so to the pier hoping he would be back, asleep there in the shadows. He was not, so I walked on, looking curious, I am sure, with multiple plastic bags draping my arms and a sloshing cup in each hand. I decided I would keep going to the 2nd avenue pier to see if he'd made that 'home' instead. He was not there either. After this three mile trek, I decided I would keep my eyes open for someone that looked like they might could use it, but that can be tricky. I never did encounter anyone that didn't look like a complete tourist on their vacation so I went back and decided that it was okay - God saw my heart.

I always tend to think of great comebacks long after the fact. Not that the situation warranted a comeback, and chances are, as my mother pointed out this morning over coffee, they could have just been looking out for my safety, a woman by myself about to encounter a man under a pier. I scoffed at that though, reminding her that I had long decided that I did not fear things like that. Fear is the thing that cripples people from taking the very action God may be wanting someone to take in a moment like that. However I had decided that if I could go back, I might reply to their 'watch out' with:

"Watch out. Watch out for the walls that you build around yourself and buffer from the needs of humanity."

It is an Art

2011-10-22T20:48:00.000-04:00

Not only did we procure the astounding sunflowers, but came home with a pumpkin each. We found it funny that we buckled them in the backseat of my car, like little pumpkin children. At home, we splayed across the driveway in slanting sun to create our masterpieces. My 'C' gave me fits but that's where getting crafty with toothpicks comes in handy. All in all, it was a perfect day.

Happiness in a Jar

2011-10-22T20:43:00.000-04:00

Courtney and I went plunking around Jaemor Farms today. They had buckets of these enormous sunflowers for a dollar. This sunflower in this mason jar adds happiness to this day.

Black and White

2011-10-22T20:41:00.000-04:00

I adore the combination of black and white. So I was amazed to find this heart-shaped black and white shell piece on the last morning of the beach.

All the Reasons to Love

2011-10-19T17:57:00.000-04:00

Took this Monday night of the 14th Ave pier

When I was a teenager, I crafted a list of all the things I loved. I have come to the place in life where that same list would be infinite. I do know that I can take one thing I love and expound upon that so here goes: (feel free to think up reasons of your own...)

My Reasons to Love the Beach:

1) beach hair

2) schedules cease and time stills

3) it is perfectly acceptable to get dirty

4) not wearing a) makeup, b) shoes c) undergarments if you don't want to

5) wearing neon pink with orange is a-okay

6) wearing pajamas in public is also kosher (to watch the sunrise)

7) breakfast on balconies or on fold-out couches with the sliding door open at 11 A.M.

8) balconies

9) balcony dancing

10) it is the universal leveling ground

11) watching little kids

12) watching old people

13) watching old people act like kids

14) shell scavengers

15) bonding with complete strangers over a shared experience

16) the biggest concern is what direction to set your chair

17) romping unencumbered

18) walking at the shoreline

19) being nearly naked and everyone's fine with it because they are too

20) the fishermen

21) the fishermen's wives

22) the fisherwomen

23) the treasure seekers with their metal detectors

24) old ladies with floppy hats

25) the dozy feeling that sets in just around late afternoon from so much warmth and the sound of the waves

26) waves (thank you, east coast)

27) beach games

28) drip castles

29) dogs on the beach

30) running on the beach

31) walking in the waves

32) sunrises

33) sunsets

34) diving into the waves

35) the tingle as the waves trail down from head to toe

36) finding sand everywhere afterward - in the bottom of every bag, the car, the crease of a novel...

37) tan shoulders

38) sandy feet

39) feeling sexier

40) perching on the balcony at night to listen to the waves

Bared All

2011-10-17T20:48:00.000-04:00

Today I wrote completely old school and laid bare: all legal pad and pen, minus any supposed censure. I believe I have found my tool of choice for roughing out what rattles within. It felt akin to a luxurious stretch after a twelve-hour car ride. I have arrived at many conclusions this trip, and none include walking away from the hammock any time soon.

2011-10-16T20:21:00.001-04:00

Grammatical errors make me crazy....

A Place for The Untamed

2011-10-16T18:18:00.005-04:00

"If we are writing from deep places, fear can all but overtake us sometimes. If we are speaking with a true voice, anxiety can stop us in our tracks.....Perhaps we are afraid of the rawness of what we have to say, and how we want to say it. We need to find people who will provide a safe writing space for us, where criticism comes late and love and delight come early." ~ l.l. barkat Rumors of Water

This is the place I had come to with this blog. It wasn't so much I didn't have anything to say, although my words were the scattered few morsels in the bottom of the cereal box, not even the prize, and too few to make a satisfying bowl, as well as a bit stale. No, my conundrum was(is) found in a new fear surfaced that I didn't know was present. It was (and continues to be) the teetering roost between, to use a word from the quote, a rawness in what I have to say and the judgement by others for what is said. I assume that may leave the impression that there are facets of my character that may be found to be unacceptable. No, it is nothing like that at all. There are just topics and themes that rattle around in my head that may seem 'out there' and controversial or radical, but by radical I mean thoughts that chase and dabble just beyond the lifegaurd ropes of an "accepted" norm. My argument (if there was one to be had) is this: life is edgy. It is not always symmetry and straight lines. You can color inside the lines all the time if you want to, but I thank God it isn't always neat, predictable, and safe.

So the quote says to find people or spaces where writing can take whatever shape it is: prickly, barbed or provocative. A place where 'monkeys can feel a bunny (another reference from Rumors). I am not sure of that person or place for me, and even more uncertain that the hammock could withstand the weight. I have the option to write 'unleashed' in a completely private setting, but then for what? So the tussle continues. Here I am, holding handfuls of thoughts, armloads, searching for a place to put them.

This leads me to further investigate where I am going with all of this. Am I just going to keep blogging into oblivion, my words echoing off of empty walls? Will I push myself to ever do anything else with this lump beyond the confines of a blog? I don't know how many times I have asked, and keep asking,'What do You want me to do with this, Lord?' And I wait. But in waiting, it has to be active and this brings me back around to the question: where exactly to place my words, especially the wild and unruly ones?

Around the time that I began to wonder if my blog had run its course, I checked in on one of my favorite blogs that I have followed for a couple of years - Aurajoon. The title of her post was 'Jump Ship' and she was saying goodbye. For her, her voice was becoming muddled in all the chorus of voices and as she began to see fault in others and herself, reasoned that life lived out from in front of a public blog was best. This is where I came to the possibility that perhaps 'goodbye' was one word I had left to share. But I haven't come to that yet. I still go in search of a place where my undomesticated words can roam free.

Intriguing Discovery

2011-10-16T01:32:00.000-04:00

Today (or rather yesterday, but it is still today to me as I have not yet gone to bed) Zach and I headed down the road in search of the nearest grocery store. On the Spectrum channel a version of one of my all-time favorite songs came on that blew me away. I have looked into it just briefly via you tube and iTunes. Apparently, Peter Gabriel has been performing with an orchestra, New Blood. He has set many of his greats with a backdrop of an orchestra. 'In Your Eyes' was the song, and while I am partial to the original, this version was incredible in its unique sound. The video for it on you tube is amateur and not Gabriel's best performance, but the sample version of the song depicted it well. This one might be worth having in my collection.

I Will Be an Inner Pin-Up Girl

2011-10-16T01:09:00.001-04:00

Little old beach ladies are a fascination to me. I often watch them, not in a creepy stalker sort of way, but with a quiet curiosity and adoration. I know all too well I will be one of them one day, if God wills that I should linger on the planet for another few decades. It is a reality we all face, but none with more stark realizations than a woman.

You can find them strolling with a fellow 'seasoned' gal, or hand-in-hand with their round-bellied, balding significant other. Some walk alone, assured in their steps, a calm about them that can not be fabricated. Then others are found sprawling, comfortable in low, striped chairs at water's edge, floppy hats and floral print skirted suits.

My adoration rests in the self-assured way that most carry themselves. It is not a self-confidence that seems to hold an air of having something to prove. Quite the contrary, they have proven everything to themselves already, and regard both their strengths and weaknesses as an asset that encompasses who they are. In knowing how they were created in all sense of the word, there is great insight into all of humankind, and with it a grace overflowing.

Our media and the world would have you believe her worth is somehow faded, less, because her beauty and features no longer draw attention. Heads do not turn in her direction anymore to follow her along the waterline, but I think we have it all wrong. What physical attractiveness that may no longer be apparent on the surface has become hidden, and has increased within, settling deep and becoming a trove to discover. At a glance, you may miss it in favor of the younger, more sleek version. Maybe it is just as well, for what lies within a gracefully advancing woman is the reward to those willing to go beyond skin-deep, to explore and unearth all the stunning treasures there.

I find myself perched somewhere 'in between'. I know I am not what I once was when I was twenty, a body yet carved by life, hardship and childbearing. Fleeting moments come and go that I long for that smooth skin and that younger landscape that was my body. It is a reoccurring wish tucked away in the recesses of most women's minds.

And yet.....

I smile in the direction of my weathered, white-haired beach sisters because they know. They know what I am learning, am practicing. This body is capable of immense life, great strength and conversely, the softest touch. This body can run and sweat, celebrate and love. Every stripe a path I have traveled, every line an experience lived, every scar a storm endured and survived. No, triumphed. Yet, as my eyes drift from the parade of humanity before me onto my own limbs stretched long in the sun, I notice subtle hints at the very weathered touch my elder sisters carry. But this body isn't truly me. It is a mere vessel. Contained within, is my heart and my soul, those facets that make me, me. Very few in this life will ever, ever go there.

Curiosity seeks to know, to chase after one of those beautifully aged women like a pesky child with a thousand questions: what holds that wise and knowing smile in place? What map have you followed, that graces your eyes with laugh lines, as well as the deep trough of sorrow centered between your brow? Do you look back and long, or gaze steadily ahead? Can you remember the exact moment you were aware both body and spirit had finally settled comfortably at home together? Are there times, like I have known, that you sense every aspect of yourself, the youthful you and the matured, standing together, a united front to make you stronger?

One day I will be one of them: wispy hair the color of moonlight, weathered tan on skin that is day-by-day relaxing away from the hurried rhythms of life. I will don my floppy hat and knowing smile. I will be that old lady in baggy jeans rolled above sinewy calves, pant legs edged in salt water. My knotted toes will still sport brightly colored paint, and be most at home in a pair of flip flops. I will peer, with eyes of a girl, out from under lilted lids across my 29,000th sunset horizon. I will be quirky and colorful, eccentric yet centered. I will be wise. My inner self will be the sexiest of pin-up girls in the way of beauty. That is something to celebrate.

Two Lessons Down

2011-10-16T00:31:00.000-04:00

One of the main intents of this brief trip is to come to grips with writing, to wrestle with it if need be, to dive in fully. I brought along some books that I am fond of for living the writerly life. One of them suggested being able to write anywhere. It also offered a challenge to sit and write for 45 minutes, not stopping. I did both. Amid the wind and blowing sand, I wrangled a legal pad against the gusts. I wrote, planted in the sand and propped on the seat of my low-to-the-ground beach chair. I celebrate this small triumph.

A Day of Winged Creatures

2011-10-16T00:06:00.003-04:00

Butterflies have fluttered all around on the beach today. I paused, thinking this was a rather peculiar occurrence. Maybe not. I just found it to be unusual. In particular, this one bright yellow one hung around, and circled above me for a bit.

Shortly afterwards, this winged amazement lit on my right arm.

I attempted several clumsy tries at capturing a picture of him with my phone. Sunlight obscured any view of the screen and I didn't want to move too much. I was literally eyeball to eyeballs (to eyeballs to eyeballs to eyeballs....) with this beautiful being. I was so close I could take in the spot of turquoise above his compound eyes. Soon I discovered that he didn't mind my being near him. He appeared to be clinging to me, resting. When a gust of wind swept across and lifted his body completely perpendicular to my arm, he looked as though he grasped tighter and leaned in close to me so I gently encased his body with my free hand to shield him from the wind. He didn't mind my relocating him to my index finger so I could bring him even closer to my face and look into his. He finally had enough communing with me, and after a suitable rest, took flight.

Soon after, on my stroll down the beach, I came across this one in my path on the sand.

He was alive, but battered, wet and broken. Bending down, I presented my index finger and he stepped, then crawled up into my open palm. I carried this one with me for the remainder of my walk, again being a shield against the gusts and needling sand. He too, finally decided to go his own way, and actually flew quite a distance before landing once again on the sand.

I was instantly intrigued so this evening I came back to the room and set out to learn more about the dragonfly. This is what I learned:

They have up to 30,000 individual lens in their eyes.
Dragonflies have been around since the days of the dinosaurs, and one prehistoric fossil had a wingspan of 2 1/2 feet.
Dragonfly nymphs (right after hatching) live in the water for about a year.
Once they leave the water and become flying insects, they only live for about a month.

Suddenly, I felt privileged to have been a part of a moment in their short lives.

Steeped in symbolism and myth, they were once believed to have teeth, hence the origin of their family name, Odonata, which means 'tooth'. It was also believed that dragonflies were once, in fact, dragons. While they don't have teeth, their jaws offer a powerful blow to their prey with strong mandibles for crushing.

Universally, the dragonfly symbolizes change and represents a sense of self-realization. All meaning of the dragonfly can be wrapped up in the process of maturity and age. In a nutshell, each aspect of this winged being signifies a trait of 'becoming'. Its flight denotes both power and poise with its ability to fly in all six directions as well as travel at speeds up to 36 miles per hour and accomplishes this with wing flaps that only have to beat 30 times per second. Poise and grace are reflected in its ability to hover in place, floating like a skilled dancer. A dragonfly's ascending flight also symbolizes a moving beyond what is surface, and a deeper understanding on life.

Upon close inspection of both my dragonfly visitors today, I noticed an iridescence to their wings and eyes. This multifaceted luminosity is believed to represent the end of one's self-created illusions, replaced with a clear perspective on life. This can be seen as discovering one's own abilities, uncovering the real self, casting doubts aside and dropping inhibitions.

A dragonfly's short life represents learning to live more 'in the moment'. They accomplish much and never stop in their short few months (usually less) of life. They demonstrate living life to the fullest. The two I met today taught me both the power of connection without words, and a persevering spirit.

Finally, the eyes. A dragonfly's eyes alone have me pondering how anyone could behold creation and not believe in God Creator. They have 30,000 lens contained within small orbs the size of a pea. They can see completely 360 degrees. This symbolizes uninhibited vision of the mind and seeing beyond limitations. It denotes a person's gaze into the enormity that is our Universe beyond materialism and the mundane.

I also learned that they are most powerful in the summer under the warming effects of the sunlight. In this, I can certainly relate.

As I researched, I heard a buzzing directly above my head. For a minute I could not detect its source and then I spotted a small, circling dragonfly orbiting around the lightbulb of my lamp. I caught my breath. Three encounters with this creature of water and sky today.

It is Always As It Should Be

2011-10-15T22:09:00.000-04:00

Car pointed straight for the shore and a swollen October moon.
ELO, Tom Petty, Boston and The Cure,
Juicyfruit and Doublemint gum.
childhood memories, his and mine -
heartfelt apology from the one that sieged battle,
struggles lost and won in territory
that was mine when I signed on
to this thing called motherhood.
Jokes, inside and new,
impersonations and laughter -
road trip with my son.

~

This has been the best time so far. We left around 8:00 p.m. knowing we had a long ride on into the night ahead of us. We talked, and I had flashes of his elementary school self, and then his middle school self, riding along with me, feeling secure in sharing what's on his heart side-by-side in the car. As we recalled snippets from each our own childhoods, he remembered a memory of him (in his recollection) 'playfully' chucking a book at me as I prepared to read to him before bed. I stayed quiet for a moment, and then adjusted his reminiscence to plumb with what actually happened. It had been a particularly rough day. Pent up frustration on his part could no longer be contained and he hurled it and the book squarely where he often did, his primary caregiver: me. After this revelation, I felt eyes on me through the darkness filling the car. "Wow, I'm sorry, Mom. I don't know why I would have done that." I explained what I knew of the situation, in hindsight and replied, "I accept. But just know, parenting is hard, and struggle comes with the territory, but I would do it all again."

This trip happened just as it should be.

I Made It

2011-10-15T21:38:00.001-04:00

My skin rediscovered its shade of summer today.

My Theme song for Break

2011-10-14T12:10:00.000-04:00

Love this song, this artist, this video, these lyrics. I seriously contemplated his idea of what to do with his phone, too. Chunk it right out a window...... A girl can dream...

I'm all at sea
Where no-one can bother me
Forgot my roots
If only for a day
Just me and my thoughts sailing far away
Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea
I'm all at sea
Where no-one can bother me
I sleep by myself
I drink on my own
Don't speak to nobody
I gave away my phone
Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea
Now I need you more than ever, I need you more than ever, now
You don't need it every day
But sometimes don't you just crave
To disappear within your mind
You never know what you might find
So come and spend some time with me
We will spend it all at sea
Like a warm drink it seeps into my soul
Please just leave me right here on my own
Later on you could spend some time with me
If you want to
All at sea

Carpe Diem, Ocean Style

2011-10-14T12:06:00.002-04:00

Themed Fridge Poetry Friday

2011-10-14T12:05:00.000-04:00

Today's fridge poetry hints at where I am headed today....

Going back to where the balcony dance was born...I am officially on fall break, and had originally scheduled a get-away to one of my favorite east coast shores by myself (everyone else had plans and I have a very understanding husband that recognizes and allows room for my 'gypsyness'). I have always wanted to go to the beach during an 'off' season, even winter, which hasn't been as embraced by others in my crew. As it turns out, Zach will be able to go with me. I am looking forward to the bonding time with him as we anticipate his departure in a couple of short months, but I have warned him: my original intent was a retreat of sorts to seek, and to be still, and to write like a mad woman whose very next breath depends on words and more words. I am not looking to get out and about or be entertained. He still agreed to go. It is as it should be, and I anticipate the very moment my toes find the tickle of the lapping surf.

Back to My Roots

2011-10-12T20:44:00.000-04:00

I guess you could say my roots are as redneck as they come because, metaphorically speaking, they are about as multi-colored and multi-textured as they come. I am speaking of musical taste, that is, and it is a wide, yet deep thread of genres. I recently went on a girls' weekend get-away to Nashville and The Grand Ole Opry (so I can simultaneously add, then cross that off my list: ~~visit the Grand Ole Opry~~), and I was instantly grounded right back to the underpinnings of my eclectic musical penchants.

It was routine in my house growing up to transition from the Beatles to Loretta Lynn, John Fogerty and CCR to The Oak Ridge Boys or Eddie Rabbit as flawlessly as a page turning. I have memories of my Mom swirling me around and side-stepping in the living room to anything from Alabama to Ronnie Milsap. She loved to dance. She loved it so much back then that she often went to The Texas Hall of Fame with some girlfriends. Dad didn't dance. Most men won't (why???). So she took herself out to go dancing.

I had to have been twelve or thirteen, newly awkward in my gawky, preteen posture. For what ever reason, I got to go with her one night. (Don't judge: it was an 'off' night and I was allowed to be there as long as I was with an adult.) The dance floor was empty, inviting for someone who loved to dance.

The memory is as clear as yesterday. I perched on the tall stool, a gangly bird, sipping my Shirley Temple. The group that I was among were colleagues from my Mom's work, out for a night together. Forrest, one of my Mom's employees, asked me to dance so I could practice my two-step. She had told me he was an incredible dancer, and would be a good one to learn some steps. Shyly, I slipped off the stool and followed him out on the floor.

After a moment or two of positioning arms and hands, we caught the first bars of the next song, and took off. He led, but in such a way that my feet couldn't help but follow. Halfway around the empty, polished wood floor, and we were on a roll. It felt like flying to song. My hair blew, and whipped across my lips when I turned my head sideways to see the room as it spun around us. Pre-adolescent feet that usually couldn't find their place, and often missed steps or stumbled, glided across the glassy floor.

I have not sailed across a dance floor like that since. It is where my love of both music and dance was made solid. It is why I am endeared to this scene in one of my most favorite movies:

Being at the Grand Ole Opry, surrounded by big hats, jeans and boots - all things I love, brought this memory careening back to me. Circling an old dance hall floor as if floating, with a twenty-something college student named Forrest. For me, the hope to replicate this experience was born.

I loved every second of my time in Nashville, feeling every bit at home in my own boots and jeans. It was worth it just to get to see Rascal Flatts get inducted into the Grand Ole Opry. I was here!

It reminded me, as well, of two of their songs that are 'greats':

And:

I refrained from posting the original video for those that would judge. It was quite the controversy when it aired on CMT. Nonetheless, it.is.hot.

And so, I am now on a country kick. I guess for a girl born in Wyoming, and raised among the dance halls and rodeos of Texas, it's fitting.

Cue:

RANDOM Fridge Poetry Friday

2011-10-06T22:29:00.000-04:00

Blindfolds can be fun. So I constructed my fridge poem this week with a twist...I closed my eyes and randomly selected the words to use this time. I gave myself two rules - I could add small words like 'a', or 'the', etc. if needed, and I didn't necessarily have to use ALL the words chosen. So this is what transpired.

Wishes

2011-10-05T22:45:00.004-04:00

Count them -
every one.

Sunrises,
favorite songs, belly aching laughter,
eyes for gazing, hot cup o' liquid sunshine and frozen blueberries.
Wide open stretch of road, the moon to follow the car and light the way,
honeysuckle on a breeze, front porch swings and hammocks on a summer afternoon.
Adoration, exploration, adventure, discovery, mystery.
Rich, red sips and icy gilded goodness to pass the lips.
Stories untold, words yet to unfold, beauty of heart and strength of spirit.
Shells in a jar, spines on a shelf, hope for the future, all worries far, far away.
Memories to hold, dreams to follow, songs to sing and endless trails.
Hands to hold, kids to tickle, hair to tussle, prayers to close the day.
Courage, tenderness, a slow dance, an embrace like puzzle pieces,
bare feet to find the salty sea,
Love.

A Day for Reflecting

2011-10-05T08:31:00.002-04:00

These kinds of things are normally done on birthdays. It is not mine, but a perfect opportunity to step back and take some time to reflect on The Year of My Fortieth and a life contained within. It's important to do this from time to time: annually, biannually, monthly, weekly, daily, moment-by-moment, some times.

It is about that time. I have long decided that I think I have exhausted the "_____Things About Me" concept. There really just aren't that many riveting things about me, not that I would want to divulge to the world wide public anyway.

I am a life-long learner. I always hope to be. That is a 'list' that should never get stale. So here goes, and it is by no means exhaustive. 40 things I've learned in my forty years.

1. Do what you love. Find it, seek it, cultivate it. But just do it. Even if badly.

2. Our lives really do have seasons.

3. When God says, 'Do not fear'. He means it. He knows there is such a better way than to live in the suffocating, debilitating house of fear.

4. You really can come through the parenting years unscathed by minivanitis.

5. Nothing can replace good old-fashioned, face-to-face, warm bodied human connection.

6. Dance, alone if you have to. Life is too short not to.

7. Our parents are more real than we ever, EVER give them credit for.

8. Change doesn't always guarantee change. Same song, different day holds quite a bit of truth.

9. Attitude makes up 90% of how our lives and days will be. The rest is just what happens along the way.

10. Common sense is a dying art.

11. It benefits everyone to openly recognize and admit our own biases and then seek to emend them.

12. Store brand/generic aluminum foil really is cheap, in all sense of the word. Spring for the name brand on this one.

13. There are few, ~~big~~ monumental choices we will make in life: marriage, friends, career. Choose wisely.

14. Your job does not define you. At the end of the day, or a lifetime, you really are expendable.

15. Entitlement is unbecoming and benefits no one.

16. Always schedule your next appointment at the end of your current appointment. Makes life easier to keep track of from day-to-day.

17. Occasionally, regularly, 'unplug'. Put down the phone, stow the laptop away, shut off all screens, and get outside. Dig in the dirt. Walk barefoot. Lay facing the sky/stars/sunset. We were made to be healthier and happier by connecting to nature.

18. You can not change people.

19. Some things really are better left unsaid.

20. When you are ever at the end of your rope, reach up. Yes, literally REACH. He is ALWAYS there.

21. People that tend to stir up drama, or draw attention to themselves, or constantly have 'issues' with someone generally are often the most insecure, self-criticizing, unhappy people. Realize this and love them anyway.

22. At the end of the day, the majority of people you come across have a Mama they love, a little face in their life that they adore, and a hope for a better day.

23. Saying someone's name in any situation, can lift their countenance. To the waitress, the grocery clerk, the man in the teller window. It works.

24. Sometimes it is just better to lay low, stretch out and ride out a bad mood or a low funk than to try to fight it.

25. Procrastination is a minion of satan.

26. Boys really do make passes at girls with glasses.

27. Dress for success holds truth. You just can't quite be completely 'on your game' or taken quite as seriously in slouchy attire and flip flops.

28. Most important purchase that you should not scrimp on: a mattress. You spend a large portion of your life there and nothing makes a day more difficult than walking around like a stiff, cramped grouchy zombie.

29. Worry is completely useless.

30. Searching and questioning does not undermine faith. You should routinely examine your beliefs.

31. Some times you just have to drive fast and listen to the music loud.

32. Not much of anything of substance comes out of Hollywood. Ever.

33. Doctors do not always know what's best or have your best interest at heart.

34. Beware of those that always present themselves as being one that has it all figured out.

35. A short nap (according to research, within an hour and 30 minutes only...) can some times make a world of difference in a day.

36. There will be risky chances that present themselves in life. The ones that seem to make no sense... Take them.

37. Kids and teens really have the right idea: Enjoy the moment. Laugh. Play. Throw up your arms like you're on a roller coaster and yell, "wheeeeeee!" when going downhill. It is more fun that way.

38. Parenting IS one of the hardest, yet best things you could ever do. It makes you a better person all the while you are shaping another.

39. Take responsibility.

40. There are truly those friendships that last a lifetime and transcend this life. Seek these and cherish them.

I Couldn't Resist

2011-10-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

I found peace...

Get it?! I found this recently...
Get it?!
I crack myself up...really, I do.

This Cool Autumn Weather Reminds Me of....

2011-10-01T20:11:00.000-04:00

This song just screams cool autumn night, fireplace, and slow dancing...and maybe mini s'mores made over a candle...

Beauty in 3's

2011-10-01T20:06:00.000-04:00

This picture doesn't even do this justice but this sunset was STUNNING. I just stopped and stood up in my car to stare at it. October has the most beautiful sunsets, I believe.

LOOK at this moth that landed on my doorstep!!! First the luna moth, and now this!?! A true masterpiece.

Just a few posts ago I was saying that I wanted to ask for a few more magnetic poetry sets.....and then that day I 'uncovered' one, literally, when I was clearing out a storage tub. This one is brand new, and I don't really remember buying it. A-Mazing.

The Way I See Grace

2011-09-30T11:44:00.000-04:00

picture taken in the woods beside my house

I have always loved sightings of sunlight filtering down through a grove of trees to the mossy earthen wooded floor. As a child, I would look for them out the car window on trips on brilliant sunny days. They reminded me of safety, protection, stillness.

I spot these auroral pockets now, and I see grace. Especially layered by my own failings, and now a recent failing of another that has left me weak inside, this...this is grace poured down. I can only see the situation through my own tangled mass of brokenness to the light that God shines on us so freely, so undeserved. It is how I am to respond. Climb over the fallen, splintered remains of a choice that has shattered me, and get into the Light. Then, reach and pull the other, scraped and entwined, through and into the Light beside me. It is what we are supposed to do. Always.

"Because of God's tender mercy,
the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us,
to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
and to guide us to the path of peace." ~Luke 1: 78,79

'heart' these kinds of days

2011-09-30T11:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good day. I love days like that. Simple goodness. You know what I'm talking about. Everything seems to just flow and fit. Your words come out right and settle where they are supposed to. An energy not from within yourself lifts you up and carries you through the sun bright day. It was one of those days, despite my having been up until 3:30 a.m. the night before. Joy lit the corners of my droopy, sleep-deprived lids anyway. It was the kind of day that I could throw my arms around.

I was loving it so much yesterday, the way the warm sunlight gently rested on my shoulder from my window while I worked that I snapped a shot of my view from my office window. Lovely.

I even spotted the Loch Ness monster floating over the North Georgia mountains.

Fridge Poetry Friday

2011-09-30T11:10:00.000-04:00

I am going to ask Santa for a new set or two of magnetic poetry. They have all sorts, from racy to humorous. I need more words!!! My fridge may come to look like a shredded newspaper but that's quite alright. Happy Friday!

Found Slow-Dripped Bliss

2011-09-27T22:55:00.000-04:00

I guess I could just be a blog DJ...playing the hits and many more that aren't...or something like that. Lately all I do is post music. I guess that's okay too. Music speaks when words are found wanting. Courtney introduced this band to me tonight and I fell hard. They have a similar sound to Ray Lamontagne and weave lyrics that are breathtaking. This is one of those. So sit back, turn the lights low and enjoy a little bliss for a while.

You're the Northern Wind
Sending shivers down my spine
You're like falling leaves
In an autumn night

You're the lullaby
That's singing me to sleep
You are the other half
You're like the missing piece

Oh my love
Oh my love
Oh my love
You don't know
What you do to me, to me

You are all four seasons
Rolled into one
Like the cold December snow
In the warm July sun
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/city_and_colour/northern_wind.html ]
I'm the jet black sky
That's just before the rain
Like the mighty current
Pulling you under the waves

Oh my love
Oh my love
Oh my love
You don't know what you do to me
To me
I'm the darkest hour
Just before the dawn
And I'm slowly sinking
Into the slough of despond

Like an old guitar
Worn out and left behind
I have stories still to tell
They're of the healing kind

Oh my love
Oh my love
Oh my love
If I could just
Find you tonight
If I could just find you tonight
Oh my love

Do do do

A Trio on Monday

2011-09-27T00:52:00.000-04:00

I am on a Classic kick...bear with me. Three great songs heard today - just so happens two of them are about 'brown-eyed girls'.

And...

Finally...the Eagles. This has to be one of the BEST, most incredibly harmonized songs ever. Pardon the rather cheesy video...I didn't create it - besides, this one is listened to best, out back under the stars, long cool drink in hand, singing along.

Here are the lyrics:

There are stars
In the Southern sky
Southward as you go
There is moonlight
And moss in the trees
Down the Seven Bridges Road

Now I have loved you like a baby
Like some lonesome child
And I have loved you in a tame way
And I have loved you wild

Sometimes there's a part of me
Has to turn from here and go
Running like a child from these warm stars
Down the Seven Bridges Road

There are stars in the Southern sky
And if ever you decide
You should go
There is a taste of thyme sweetened honey
Down the Seven Bridges Road