Filling My Lungs

I had the long side of a day stretched ahead of me today.  As it turns out, Best Girl and the crew can't officially move into their new dorm situations yet due to one more pesky inspection so they have been piling up in some nearby churches.  I still have all of her stuff.  Good thing I stuck around and didn't jet back the next day.  I'm glad to decided to stay the full number of days.  Not feeling rushed feels nice.

So what did I do on this grand day?  The first half of the day, I read some, and just took it easy.  I had a plan to go to the beach, but the weather didn't look so great in the morning.  However, by 3:00, it was beautiful so I spontaneously threw together a small bag and headed to the beach.  I had to fill my lungs with as much of that air as I possibly could.

It turned out the be the most beautiful evening.  So incredibly peaceful.  Relaxing.  I arrived around 5:00 and promptly took off for a walk.  An extremely long walk.  The wind and the roar of the waves were loud, and there weren't very many people around so I walked, and sang.  Loud.

So my evening in pictures

Love a bridge that leads to the ocean.  Such anticipation.

Not usually a 'selfie' fan, but I thought I'd say 'hey'.  I was walking into the wind, hence the pompadour hairdo.

 

Watching the sunset sky

The evening ended by my changing into a sundress and heading to a restaurant on the beach.  I perched on the deck railing overlooking the ocean for seafood.  I'm not bothered by eating alone.  (Think Solo Dining scene in Hope Floats.  "The trick is to seem mysterious.")  A guy started playing guitar and singing so I moved over near the stage to listen for a while.  I love love love live music.  Especially good live music, and this guy was fabulous.  I would buy his cd if he had one.  He sang this, and it was perfectly lovely.

Standing on the Edge

Tuesday we drove eight plus hours to get to Best Girl's new 'home-away-from-home.'  We covered quite a bit of terrain - traffic, extended car concerts, Prince sing-alongs, storms from the bowels of Hades complete with tornado warnings (this on phone weather warnings disclosing  'tornados in the area:  Take cover immediately'), and stretches of long roads, but filled with a whole lot of good time with my Best Girl.

Today, I stood, teetering on the edge of that nest, you know the one.  THE nest.  The one that looks treacherously empty when you turn around to peer into its cavernous void.  I've spent half my life there, in the trenches of parenting and now?  Look.  forward.  There is my 'baby bird' perched on the edge, ready to leap, ready to fly.  She is ready.

A city on a hill cannot be hidden.  It is a travesty to put a lamp under a bowl. (Matt. 5: 14-16)  This girl was MADE to go out into the world and SHINE.  I've known since before she was born, when I dreamed of this illuminating baby girl with pigtails that she was made to be LIGHT.  

She walked away like this, just ahead of me, and suddenly I UNDERSTOOD.  I understood my Mom in 400 layers and textures.  As soon as I get home, I am going to my Mom's first, to land on her porch.  To sit in the lilting shadows and summer sounds fading to be with my Mom, and to tell her in person:  I get it.

I understand that when the pulling away happens,  one end is moving away, going forward to what lies ahead, but there is this end that is still connected, and feeling every tear, every separation that tugs and flashes with pain.  I get it.  I am there.  

In a moment of realization about a week ago, I was thinking about Baby Girl leaving, and these verses filtered through my thoughts -

'She is embodied sunshine,

light that draws out 

life and warmth,

a flame that others are drawn to,

the kind of illumination

the world is desperately seeking,

 radiance it does not yet know.

Incalescence

                                                

This song.  On repeat lately.  Repeated repeat.  Prompting a stir of words for a complementary scene.



Room full with setting autumn sun and lingering spice of an earlier shared meal.  There are no words, but the lyrics and guitar reverberating against the walls awash in flax and shadows.  Those moments when an embrace turns to eyes fastened in the heat of a gaze that stills the world, and mutual sway, a physical invitation to dance.  Arms reach out, then up in tandem, finally clasping fingers above our heads before lowering them into an entwined cradle between pressed bodies, moving in rhythm to the slow beats of the song.  It isn't the envelope of arms or the hands entangled that holds us together but the steel bridge between your eyes and mine.

Bonfire

Baby girl's bonfire was an eventual success.  I say eventual because I was nearly in tears an hour after the start an only two folks had made it, while many had said they were going to be there.  My daughter's friend had taken her to dinner and had to keep stalling to keep her out and away because I didn't want her to come home to see no one there.  It wasn't an RSVP or anything but you would think that if you saw 'surprise party' and a time to be there, you would realize that the 'surprise' part doesn't work well if you're not there at the time it is supposed to begin.  It ended up a success with my best girl being completely surprised when she finally arrived to find a blazing fire surrounded by so many that love her.  I am thankful.

The 'Elvis' was a hit

Bird cages + sunflowers+ the world = my daughter

Did you know there were so many marshmallow flavors???

My girl's favorite beverage

By firelight

Debating

So in just a few days I will load up my little baby grown daughter and drive her to her new (temporary) home away from home.  It will be just us girls (Yay!)  and I will cherish that time with her.  A few days ago she was sitting on the front porch with me and I was telling her how I was debating on whether to keep all the days I had reserved for staying down there (original plan - leave early a.m. Tuesday and come back Sunday.  She will get registered and settled Wed. afternoon but I planned to remain in town a day or two more in case there were any last minute things she needed for her dorm before I left).  I mentioned that I was thinking of going a day later and maybe coming back a day earlier.  I just wasn't sure.  My two days of classes were taken care of and I'd turned in my absences.  (I currently do not have office hours or classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays).  I then told her I was also considering just keeping all of the days, and planning to do a whole lot of lounging and as I demonstrated for her in sound and action - "vedging" "Uuuuuuuuuh...."

My mind's made up - I am keeping all of those days in the reservation.  I couldn't be happier (or more relieved).

Now for some 'snapshots' of my week in words and pictures:

I took this on Tuesday night on campus.  I had gone out to my car to put the top up since I had more to do and would likely be there a while longer and didn't want the dew to get my seats all wet and cold.  I caught glimpse of the near full moon peeking through a hole in the clouds and snapped this photo.  What you probably can't see is the group of a half a dozen or so students playing frisbee or football or something out there in the field that is the black space of the photo.  It was a cool moment despite my having put in a 14-hour day that day, and finally left my office that night at 2 a.m.

                                                                                                                                                                    

I think it was Monday that I finally escaped for a few moments to conduct my office hours on the deck of our snack shop.  This was that moment.  It was nice to have a change of scenery and to get outside.  I needed to 'unplug' and get aaaaawwwwwaaaaay from email for just a little while.  

All in all, Monday had been a good day.  In my first class, we had a spirited debate (hence the dual purpose title of this post) and it was thought-provoking.  The discussion sprung from my cultural awareness small group activity where students take specific roles in the group and work through several questions/prompts to put their beliefs/ assumptions/prejudices under a microscope, and how those views can impact their approach to students and teaching.  One of the first groups to share was an interesting gathering of some of our athletes.  Their perspective was that, even back in high school, they were judged and held to more and higher expectations (said in a way as this was a negative thing) and then a fellow in the group shared their views on those that speak other languages here in this country.  That's when the discussion picked up momentum and became a debate.  It was engaging to sit back and just listen, and to take in the different perspectives.  I appreciated one of the athletes asking me what I thought because of my experiences in working with children and families where English is a second language.  My leading statement was this:  'First and foremost, they were my babies first, regardless of the color of their skin, the language from their lips or the function or dysfunction of their homes.'  I continued from there.  

How do you respond to the statement, "They're in this country, they should learn the language."?

Crushin' Listicles

It's Monday Listicles (on Wednesday), and this one is quite an interesting topic:  10 Things I Have a Crush On, so I am taking a slightly different spin and presenting 10 'Crush'ed Things that I happen to adore, fondly.  How's that?

10 'Crush'ed Things for Which I Am Partial

1.  Orange Crush Ice Cream
As in
We would make this in the summers for Fourth of July at my grandparents' house at the lake.  It had this and crushed pineapple in it.  I haven't had it since I was a kid, but I still love it, to this day.

2.  Crushed ice - who doesn't love the finely chipped ice that some restaurants provide?

3.  This song:



4.  Crushed particles of rock, shells and minerals



5.  Crushed glass i.e. recycling day when I can throw glass and shatter it.  Love that sound.

6.  Crushing heads, because it is funny.



7.  Crushed velvet... okay, I know this is a stretch, but there are only so many 'crushed' things, HOWEVER, I did have this dress once.  It was red, crushed velvet, and I wore it around Christmas time.  I did like that dress.  It was quite flattering.

8.  Crushed grapes, of the fermented variety.



9. This reminder when life gets hard and you fell like you might implode -
 " But we have this treasure in earthen vessels
      so that the surpassing greatness of the power
      will be of God and not from ourselves: we are
      afflicted in every way, but not crushed;
     perplexed but not dispairing; persecuted but
     not forsaken, struck down but not destroyed."
     2 Corinthians 4: 7-9

10.  Monday Crushing things like Monday Listicles!!!

Rearranging the Junk Drawer

This is my actual junk drawer.  (to the people in my house) "People, what in the world!?  I just cleaned this thing out!"  But hey!  Emergency sparklers! 

I thought it may be time for an update.  One of these 'dump it all out to fill it again' kind of posts.  This is my Junk Drawer series.  I've done a few or three already, but I really just don't feel like finding them to link here so....on with this update!

First and foremost - an update on my Granny:  Prayers are being felt and answered and she is, once again, defying the odds and making a comeback from this latest incident.  For my Granny, I will backtrack and post that here: Paper-Pressed Kiss so that you can be filled in on what happened.  She is still in the hospital, her fever is finally coming down and she is as sharp as ever, giving the nurses what for because, let's be honest:  it is annoying to be bothered and poked and prodded all through the night when what your body really needs is rest.  She is doing well.  I am grateful, and my resolve to send her letters has been restored.  My parents are headed out there in the morning, as in wee hour, to help out and give my aunt a break.

In just over a week, I will drive my baby girl to her destination/home-away-from-home for the next several months.  I can not believe it is almost here, and she won't be at home.  The house will be so quiet.  I know that she is on the right path and I trust her into God's hands.  I will drive there with her by myself.  We had dates mixed up and realized that Hubs has a conference that weekend that he can not get out of at this late date.  He is not happy that he won't be going to take her too.  I am secretly cherishing the idea of having her to myself for a little while.  

Remember when I was letting my hair grow out?  When I intended to donate it?  This was a very difficult decision, but I had to abandon that endeavor late August.  I was bummed, but although my hair was right at the length it needed to be, it was not in good shape, and I didn't want to donate some raggedy, thinned out mess that it was.  So I did get it chopped, and I will post a pic of it later.  Right now, it is scrunched in a messy tousle atop my head - the official casual Sunday comfy 'do.  

I had put together a Fridge Poetry on Friday but it was also when I got the news of my grandmother so I just wasn't in that frame of mind to post it.  So here t'is:

This one is inspired by the encroaching fall, and while it is usually a season that ushers in an undertone of sadness for me, I am actually looking forward to the cooler temps that suggest sweaters and snuggling, leaves and pumpkins and football and bonfires and such.

Speaking of bonfires, I am going to be attempting to put together one this coming Friday night for my best girl as a farewell or sorts.  We did a surprise party for Eldest when he set out on his journey, so we will do the same for her.  I hope to have S'Mores and impromptu singing around the fire, and surround her with the people she loves.  I hope I can pull that off at the end of a very full week of work.

Speaking of work, have you ever worked with someone that just seemed to be a tad.....persistent...pushy?  Insistent upon getting all up in your business as if they do not have enough to do, or something?  For example, said person always starts sentences off with things like, "I don't mean to rush you but..." or "I don't mean to bother/bug/pester you but...".  When folks start off sentences like that, they really DO FULLY INTEND to rush, pester, hound, bug, bother and drive the ever-lovin' snot out of you until you literally cringe to hear them coming down the hall.  Yes, this is a component of my work life.  Oy.  

I will head to the cardiologist on Thursday.  I am hoping to cut to the chase and be pertinacious ("I don't mean to be insistently stubborn buuuut....") about skipping the 14 heart monitor tests and get right to finding out if there is actual, physical damage to the heart.  We've established that I have a pronounced arrhythmia.  Move on.  Let's look closer now and see what is going on.  More on that later.

I do have many post ideas and I am actually jotting them down as I go.  There's just only so much time in a week and since I spend vast portions of my day in front of a computer, some times I can not bring myself to get back in front of a screen for another second in the evenings.  For example, I have thoughts on being completely humbled by a precious single Mom I know, interesting companionship stories with Hubs, indirect response to a particular awards show and subsequent hammer licking, thoughts on today's workload, stress and sitting, and puzzling over the throng of history slash coach majors flooding our tiny department.  So posts like that.  And then there is always Monday Listicles!

Paper-Pressed Kiss

I sat on my front porch this morning, a folded letter to my lips.  Eyes squeezed tight, tears stubbornly making their way through as I prayed, "Please God, let her get better and get this."  I spoke healing over the pink butterfly stationery, whispered more pleas over the sealed envelope as I carried it to the mailbox this morning.  My Granny has always loved and sent handwritten letters.  This one has to make it to her.

Of the prized photos on my desk, this one, no bigger than a spoon - My Granny and me

From the earliest years I can remember, my Granny has always sent sweet cards and letters to me over the years.  I have kept them all, and when I finally get up the energy and time to tackle the basement, I am sure that as I go through boxes and books, I will find them tucked everywhere.  It will be a treasure to collect them all together and read her long-looped, beautiful cursive.  Maybe I will bind them into a book.  That would be the most proper treatment to the rare gifts they are.

At Easter, wearing one of the many dresses she made for me, always including a tag - Made by Granny with Love sewn inside

My Granny fell yesterday, and broke six ribs.  They sent her home with pain medication, and because of the pain, she passed out when my aunt tried to help her out of the car. She returned to the hospital where she remained for observation.  She is there now.  My heart is also there, nestled next to her, matching breaths and beats to support her weakened state.  She has always bounced right back from injury or illness.  She amazes doctors and friends alike.  Her family is not amazed - we know she is made of the toughest grit.  

From several years ago when she came to visit

I could not write enough letters to catch up on all the years I have been remiss at writing her.  My soul aches at the thought of it.  Why do I let the day-to-day insignificance on the grand scale of life deceive me into believing that there is always tomorrow and a day after that to send that letter, make that call, say what I mean to say?

My precious Granny

Please, I implore any that read this to send prayers along to carry my handwritten words straight to her soon.

TMI Listicles

It's been Monday aallllll day looooong, and I have about an hour and a half to get my Monday Listicles in before the stroke of midnight.  I guess it shouldn't matter - I posted one recently on that Friday.  At any rate, this week's topic is '10 THINGS WE REALLY SHOULDN'T KNOW (BUT DO).  Interesting topic!

10 Things I Really Shouldn't Know (but do):
So here goes, starting with today:

1.  What a 12-14 hour work day feels like, on a regular basis.

(Going to desperately try not to incriminate anyone...)

2.  The fact that someone declared 'finis' on their intimate life.....a loooooooong time ago, but remain together.

3.  A person's particular 'love play' with their significant other.

4.  What most fast food items are made of - (I do not eat it anymore.  I don't know that I would if I was starving.  It's not food.)

5.  The damaging effects of fluoride.

6.  Just how many 'foods' are genetically modified.

7.  What it is like to have to put a beloved pet down.

8.  The telltale 'evidence' discovered in hotel rooms on a hidden camera tv show using a blacklight.  Fold that comforter back, preferably using latex gloves or tongs.

9.  A child star's (lack of) performance skills on stage.

10.  Things actually shared on Facebook:  your EVERY meal (once in a blue moon is okay), your massive cuts/bruises/breaks up close and oozing, pics of your poor child suffering in sickness...really?  Cut the poor child some slack -  and finally, the major hair/lint/dustball clog that was in your vacuum cleaner.

To Commemorate

Yesterday was my 22nd anniversary and so we orchestrated a perfectly lovely, relaxed day with no particular plan at all.  So some highlights in pictures from that day.

We took a drive up to Greenville, SC which is an absolutely wonderful place to visit.  It is just enough of a drive to enjoy driving with the top down, all blue skies and sunshine.  It is a great town to wander with no agenda, made even better when we showed up to find a farmer's market set up all in the streets.  I could breathe deep the scent of organically grown peaches, and take in all the color of flowers, fruits and vegetables.

We stopped in at Ale House for lunch just in time for kick off to watch half of his team's game.  

We walked around and in and out of various unique shops, and strolled down to the park.  We may or may not have stretched out for a bit in the sun, and someone may or may not have fallen asleep, complete with snoring (hint: not me).

It was fitting that we came across a wedding reception locale, awaiting the celebration to begin for some young couple starting out on the same day as our anniversary.  We came across a table with their pictures depicting them growing up and then together in the youthfulness of their twenties.  I couldn't help but wonder what might be in store for them, should they find themselves at someone else's reception setting 22 years later?

Nothing would sum up the day more than this image:

                                                  

                

Free Form Friday Fridge Poetry

I know.  It's not Friday.  I had pressing things like a friend that NEEDED to talk, so we solved ALL the world's problems on her porch, legs hanging over the railing, dodging the brave mosquitos that can't be bothered with citronella.  So it's still MY Friday.  

I decided on a free-form this week.  I just plucked words randomly without looking at what they were.  I pulled a few from the silver box that stays tucked away above the fridge and several from the fridge front array.  I allowed myself to add anything I wanted to them, but couldn't take any away.  

Here's my first grab - 

And here's my final poem - 

                                                

Some songs...

This.  This song, mine lately.

Shocking

Yes, I know.  It is a bit of a shock to the senses that I am actually posting something midweek (thankfully over the 'hump').  Startling.  On a random Thursday morning.  As the dust begins to settle on the new semester and things take some form of a new routine, I am finding myself grateful for a  schedule with some flexibility during the week.  I would like to possibly start sneaking here into my cyber hammock, especially since my actual one is covered in green and cobwebs.  It is in desperate need of a power wash.

I have stories to tell.  It feels new and tingly to actually have thoughts sifting clearly through my gray matter to share.  This is a result of being on the way to wellness.  Each day I awake and am amazed at feeling 'normal'.  To feel more like I am residing in my own skin again and being at home there.  I don't take health for granted.  Every day is a gift.

So where do I start?  What do I tell?  What tapestry of words do I weave?

For now, I will make a list and start there:

I am thankful that I can sing without getting winded.

I am thankful that when I lay down to sleep, the thundering beat of my heart doesn't keep me awake, feeling every skip and every pound as it tries to make up for the pause.

I am thankful for clarity.  My mind isn't submerged in formaldehyde, my thoughts wrapped in wool.

I am thankful for evenness as my emotions level out to allow me to feel again.

I am thankful my energy is returning.  I have tackled a whole house cleaning, a full day's work and a hill while running, and found I could accomplish them all.  With abundant gratitude.

Every day is such a gift.

The Summer That Almost Was

 Another Monday!  Another Listicles!  What could be better, except that this topic gives us pause to look back at our summer with the topic 10 Things to Remember Summer By.

Here Goes:

1.  40 Days and 40 Days Nights.  Webbed toes.  Floatation devices.  Enough said.

2. Time with Mama.

3.  Witnessing Eldest discover his passions.

Exhibit A - a passion for the Bible and interpreting it.  Exhibit B: A passion for that one best girl.(writing a letter to her out on the back deck)

4.  Witnessing the rising of Pirate Daughter

I had to watch as daughter had a needle inserted IN HER EYE to remove several calcified styes.  She is a trooper.  She is her mother's daughter.

5.  YOUNGEST turning EIGHTEEN (please refrain from the aging jokes...)

                                 
Beautiful isn't word enough.

6.  Desert Sky

                         

I got to stand out under open expanse in the desert-like area of Washington, and I loved it.

7.  Idaho glimpses of heaven

8.  Dominican color and celebration.(this is completely not in order)

9. Mold infestations like the plague.(Hello, EVERY BUILDING ON CAMPUS.)

10. Broken butterflies that still triumph in their attempts to fly.

This beauty fluttered at my feet and then landed right in my line of footsteps to remind me that even broken butterflies attempt to fly.