R: Running with Chaos

Last night (or in the wee ridiculous 'no one is up at this hour' of morning) when I couldn't sleep (day two of this occurence - please God, let not the insomnia descend on top of everything), I checked in on the ol' hammock to find I had posted the Alex Clare songs and misspelled 'heels'.  


I was mortified.  Really?!?


This confirmed it for me.


It was then I decided that this is evidence enough to substantiate that I am either going to:

A)  Check myself into a loony bin.

B)  Carry my behind on into the old folk's home

C) Take myself on out to the above dirt road, drop me out on my backside, and leave me there.

This isn't the first time I seemed to have 'forgotten' how to spell something simple.  No, I am not being too hard on myself.  It wasn't a simple typo - Come on - the 'a' and 'e' are not even near each other on the keyboard.  I had written earlier in this post, Paperback Courage, that I had once had a fear of eventually getting Alzheimer's.  I read the book, Still Alice, among many reasons, to prove I was past that.  Maybe it wasn't such a good idea.  Instances like this bring the book's pages haunting back into my thoughts.

With this entry I have replaced my post on 'Realness' with this one.  I will share that one later.  I combine the A-Z Challenge with an encouragement (see below) to write about where we are.  In my sense of space right now, I am running in slow motion (like you do in dreams where it feels like your ankles are leaded), against strong winds through tornado-like shrapnel flying chaotically, from every direction.   I am being probably the most 'open' (raw, unsettled, fighting madness...) here than I've been in a while.  I am admitting, I am desperate.  For what, I can not find the words right now.

I lay there in the darkness, splayed on my stomach, a position I hardly ever find sleep but I was trying anything - listening to the uneven cadence of my heartbeat.  There are no words to convince someone otherwise when you feel so alone.  Strangely, I thought about lepers.  After an update from doctors recently finding what seems like a maddening maze of multiple things going askew with my body right now, feeling unworthy of love is the lie that crept into the shadows.  So the thought of lepers.

Jesus loved the lepers.  He would get close.  He would touch them.  If He loved them, He must still love me.

You may cast this as one big, long pity post.  Maybe it is.  But I'm not reaching out for sympathy.  I was inspired to write this from this post by author L. L. Barkat.  I could relate so well to what she wrote about the 'small ache' and the loneliness.  So she encouraged writing from 'where you are' in this directive:

'On, In and Around Mondays (which partly means you can post any day and still add a link) is an invitation to write from where you are. Tell us what is on, in, around (over, under, near, by...) you. Feel free to write any which way... compose a tight poem or just ramble for a few paragraphs. But we should feel a sense of place. Would you like to try? Write something 'in place' and add your link below.'





So this is where I am.  In all its messiness.  Quite honestly, I should have done the A-Z challenge all scrambled up, like alphabet soup, because that is how things are, currently.  


Since I am on an Alex Clare kick at the moment, this song is on repeat right now.  The song's title doesn't begin with 'R'.  That's okay, because it seems appropriate to display incongruity, just as in life, there really aren't set patterns.  So I posted an 'S' song on my 'R' post.  It seems to both express the 'ache' within, but it also holds me up with a strength I currently do not possess.